Late report

On December 19th I did a small powerlifting competition. I meant to write about it right away, but.... Well obviously I didn't. I am dealing with some painful stuff that I have allowed to shut me down even further. A grand excuse to watch too many movies, eat too much, cry too much, and forget too many good things. 

So, powerlifting. There were more women there than I thought might be there...especially since I rarely see any women at the gym.  I learned later that there was indeed a group from another gym there.  

You know why I was there..... To see if anything can get me motivated again.  I met 2 women, one was lifting, one was watching; who were in their 60's.  And the young women I met. Sigh.  It was so great to see how different their relationship is with their bodies than anything I ever had or even have now .... How supportive they were of one another and how their partners....well, loved what they were DOING. 

They kept calling a clean lift "sexy". 

I like that. 

I'm really fat right now and weak too. I was nervous too, completely unprepared for this thing I was about to try...I started my squats at 255. Seemed too high, but I had asked BJ for some guidance and that's what he gave me.  It felt ok....second lift I did 285. Still felt ok. Then I had to decide... Final lift. I have tried 295 and 300 in the gym since my surgery and I can't get it.... But I wanted to try more than 10, Grant said I should just go for it so I told them 315. 

I got it. And the heart seemed just fine. 

I broke through a little bit of that mental block, I trusted the heart and I got over 300. I know it's not where I was a year ago...but it was what I had that Saturday, shitty prep, crap eating, emotional goo and all. 

I went to take off my knee sleeves and Grant was so happy for me. He knows better than anyone how poorly I have been treating myself, how discouraged I am. He was genuinely proud... No jokes, no small jabs to put me in my place, just happy for me.... For breaking through that mental block, for getting that 300 again, for staying calm and trusting the ticker, loving what I can DO... Even feeling as sad and broken as I do right now. 

Bench, I started at 135 hoping to get to 165. I know lame. What I didn't know, had never experienced was the pause. Ha. I couldn't do it!  I think I figured out what happened... I relaxed....like relaxed relaxed at the bottom... I could not move 150. I laughed cause what the hell can you do. There was a young guy there.... He had never competed either and he had the same issue I did. Something to figure out if I try this again. 'Cause really? I should be able to bench 200...

Dead

Started at 325. Then 355. Then I thought what the hell, I have one lift left so I went for 385 which would have been a real pr not just a post surgery pr. I missed the lift. 

Got it to my knee but I had a couple guys tell me that I had leaned back as I started to pull... So there was no way. I was in a bad position. 

It was ok though. 

I had fun, saw some beautiful lifting. And a wonderful wide range of folks, young and older... Experienced and new. 

I might do this again if the gym has a small meet again. 

Am I energized? 

No.

I have had two weird things happen with the heart that have me feeling scared.  It's very possible, no, highly likely that it was anxiety. My friend Hersch told me to go back, think about what was happening when my heart started racing. What was I thinking about.... Or did it truly start out of nowhere like SVT. 

Panic. Anxiety. 

I think he is right. 

This week though. Sigh. Have only worked out 3 days.... Again. 

I just.... Cannot seem to take care of myself.  

And it's all up to me.... 

workin' on a habit....

It'll be short, but I am trying to get back in the habit of writing...

Did I tell you I jacked my hand?

yes.

I jacked up my hand.  How you ask....why, bowling of course!

The most Polish of injuries. 

It has been over a month and it still hurts....a guy I never met was at Praxis and he happens to work for a hand surgeon in town...he looked at it at the gym.  Said I probably tore some tissue...the sheath that protects the tendon or something...said I need to rest it for 6 weeks. 

Kori was there...and she started laughing. Said, "Everything needs rest for 6 weeks, but we won't do it."

kinda true, kinda true....

Thing that hurts my hand the most is dead lifts.....using a switch grip, but it still hurts.  It is also one of the many reasons I have not been throwing.

Did some shitty back squats today...supposed to be heavy singles...my back squat has suffered the most since my heart surgery.  Did a couple at 235 then 255....I cannot imagine that a year ago I had a 350 back squat.

oh well...

It has been a little over six months since the surgery....I felt stronger 3 months ago than I do now.

My head is just not in it...I make far too many excuses too.

ok ok....

Let's see, something positive....

 I could be using shake weights.

meaning of nothing....

"The will to succeed is important, but what's more important is the will to prepare." Bobby Knight



Ok...here I go.  

It has been well over a month since I have written.  

Why?

Well....I get this thing that happens once in a while, I deal with depression...like lots of folks.  

For me, it is like pressure on two fronts....I feel like there is an actual energy drain happening at my feet....and often there is intense pressure on my head. My dear friend Jim used to tell me that he could tell I was dealing with depression because my upper lip would stop moving!  It might be frozen right about now. Yeah, I know how that sounds....This particular span has had me wrecked with guilt....I have no reason to feel this way...I am being a pain in the ass git.....  I could list all of the wonderful things in my life to show you why I don't "deserve" to feel depressed, but you know; it showed up anyway.

So I haven't written, because anything coming out of me right now would sound whiny and ungrateful...like this:


Not eating well, not sleeping well, can't get focused on working out, I really don't train anymore, what is throwing, worried about my kiddo right now, can't seem to even get a reading, miss my son, freaking about money issues, job issues......


Blah blah; whine whine. 


I feel so terrible for feeling terrible.  


Oh well, the good thing about hitting one of these spans of time, I am old enough to know that this too shall pass.....

Here is a cat.

space

I think I probably have an internal image of myself that is pretty standard....I walk through my life feeling like I am about an average sized person...an average sized woman... I struggle with feeling fat and unattractive, like many women; but because I lift and throw and do weird things in the gym, sometimes I feel strong and rarer, powerful.


Then I  looked at some photos, always a tricky proposition for me, wedding photos...and I know how I FELT that day and mostly it is reflected in the photos...really.

Then I saw a group photo...

oh....yeah....I am pretty big aren't I?

I guess I am larger than most of the women I throw or work out with..and lots of the men too...

Why has it taken me so long to discover this....and it isn't just my chubbiness...it's...just...me. I am tall and heck, I am broad too.

Then I went to target....same day I looked at this photo.


Cashier:  Did you find everything Sir.

Me:        Ha...yeah....

Cashier:  Oh..Oh, I, well...You are really beautiful.

Me:    Not really, it's ok...I get it, I'm big and you just glanced at me.

Cashier:  No No, you are really pretty...

Me:  ............thanks.........(thinking:for a dude dressed in sweat pants)


Pretty?  no....funny that he felt the need to find a way to compliment me...I know it is awkward when you mistake the gender of someone you are talking to, but I get it...I get what I look like...sorta...I guess I am trying to...I looked at this guy and realized that I was nearly a head taller than him....I looked around the parking lot....I'm not super tall...but I am big.  I felt kinda weird the rest of the day. 

Wonder what I should do with this?  get bigger? try to get smaller?   HA....I just need to keep walking through the world taking up the space that I take up....At almost 50...I guess I should have figured this out already...perhaps it is one of those "life long lessons" that I will work on.


So...food challenges...the 21 day thing went well...lost a little pudginess....decided for all these holidays...that I will do a 3 week on; 1 week off..... Been struggling with working out still....had some heavy heart stuff show up again.  Funny racing-fluttery stuff that disappears quickly, but makes me feel queasy and lingers too long through the day.  Probably in my head or not...

Working on cleans and bench press....details details.

Been thinking goals...I'd like to get 200 on both of the damn lifts....

and I'd like my heart to settle down.

I'll post some photos soon that Katie Hughes took...sigh.  Here is one:

hey....my son is taller than me!  wheeeee.....

rehashed nicities...

Ok....

the last couple of weeks I have been seeing friends post along a similar thread....

Platitudes....a remark or statement, especially one with a moral content, that has been used too often to be interesting or thoughtful.

I am guessing I have posted about this before, either on here or on Facebook...there are a few that drive me crazy.

"It is what it is"  really...well can I change it?  does it need to stay that way?  

"Everything happens for a reason."  UGH...

But...I digress...other people write about these things far better than I do.  

This was the first one I saw...when did being happy become the goal of my freaking life?  Sometimes I am miserable...and I learn from that place...

Happiness

OK same author I know...but here is one on "passion." There is a life to be had even if I can't make money on my passion...I am not a fucking failure for not being an actor that is able to make a living... 

Find your passion 

And here is a controversial one...unconditional love.....this one causes parents everywhere go up in smoke...but really.  Read this blog and tell me there aren't conditions to love...there are and when we try to live up to this idea for someone else, we often get treated like shit or abused under the guise of " you have to love me unconditionally no matter how I treat you."

Unconditional love

And my fav....If you read ONE of these...read this one...

It didn't happen for a reason.

Don't you dare tell me I have "something to learn" or "god only gave me what I could handle"....from any loss I have suffered. Way too easy to feel like I am just supposed to be "good enough" to let it go.

No.

The work that needs to happen is the WORK of grief...


Ok rant over...

Oh....I am not a special freaking snowflake....we all need to just put in the work.....

Lifting or grieving...working or loving....

put in the work.

details, details

My new programming started on Monday....

With something I have done before...  The BJ Monger Crying Circuit

Back Squat
Bench Press
Pull ups
Glute-Ham raise
Shoulder press
Chin Ups
 Front Squats
Dips
Barbell Curls


sets of 10...run through it twice....80 seconds for each exercise....

Hard to deal with this clock thing with out a coach yelling, but I came pretty close.

It's a burner....stayed super light...also I can't really Pull up or chin up or Glute-Ham raise, but I have my modifications.  This will be in my programming twice a week for 6 weeks....

AHHHHHHH......He will of course be adding weight and reps too...


And guess what, I went to the gym today too! Two days in a row...and surprise surprise it started raining....you know....both rain and me working out consistently have been rare lately.  

I loved loved loved the workout today.

I cannot really describe it.

One of BJ and Gary's goals for me is to see what is up with my clean...Well, we all sorta know...my form sucks and I am afraid to get under the bar. I have had a front squat of 280...I can't clean more than 160...it's a power clean at that...

Annoying.

So...the workout....bar work....all this tiny detailed bar path movement....hip movement....where are your shoulders.....details details details....WHEEEEE

Amazing how the bar can completely gas you.  Lots of it is all the mental focus too...

WHERE IS MY HIP....you know that sort of stuff.

Best part....BJ was free and he was watching me....and coaching.  Sigh.

I am sorta hoping I get this detail in my programming once a week....My plan is to hit Praxis on Tuesdays at noon during the first 6 weeks of this off season thinggy...soak up the people...soak up the coaching....remember what I love about being at the gym.

Chains....

Box squats....2x10

Sumo deads with chains  1x10

back extensions  3x15

planks  3 times both at 1 minute!  I did a full minute each time!



Wednesday....I can't remember what I did....um...presses!


ok.

Confession time.

I am having a hard time getting to the gym...some of it truly was the travel....but...something happened at 5:30 Wednesday morning that made me realize

I hate my gym.

Not really the gym's fault or the people who go there...I think most people work out like the folks at this gym. I don't.  The only reason I actually stuck with a work out program when I started was the community.  The feeling like it was ok to be a disaster because the trainers made adjustments...I learned~I grew....I out grew the first gym, yet I found another community to work out with.  Even though I often was working alone...in a corner....at the rack....I was still a part of something....working yes for my own health, but I don't know how to explain it, but also working for the health of the gym too? Or each other?  I don't know...

So....Wednesday....

A guy walks in, both Grant and I look up and say hi...how ya doing....we get a grunt....

oh right... ok.  I forgot, I am not at Praxis.  Sorry!

I get it....one of the guys that comes early in the morning does talk to us, but for the most part...there is no support, no community....no asking, "can you watch this squat, see if I'm cracking 90." Nope, head phones on....lots of hard work...I get it.  I really do. Everyone needs different stuff.  I guess I am WAY social when it comes to the gym.  I miss the camaraderie....I miss the coaching too.

Maybe I don't hate my gym....maybe I hate the fact that I can't workout like most people do...that I am needy..Somebody please check my form!...oh well...

Part of what bugged me about the grunt reply on Wednesday was when his lifting buddy showed up...he yelled at him.....when we left...there were two sheriff's cars in the lot, the only other cars there beside us....ok~I know this will age me, but what the hell ever happened to "Officer Friendly?"  Anyone else remember that program?

I have a soft spot for cops....my dad was a Chicago cop....and we had Officer Friendly at school.....These guys would never have been looked at for THAT program! Not unless Officer friendly is covered in Axe Body Spray and care not a whit that when you are seen in your cruiser; like it or not, you represent your department! 

oh well...I am rambling.....

Still on my 21 day hoo ha....doing well....I have lost a little weight, but I have lost bloat...big shocker there....gotta keep up with this..I feel better...again...big shocker...

Oh well...I will try to get to the gym tomorrow morning too...get back on track, because I do know that it really doesn't matter what anyone else is doing in the gym....just me...

I guess.

Makes me miss my dad....

numbers

5 weeks

4 games

I'm tired.

and I'm married...

and oh so grateful.



Though I haven't written in a LOOOONG time....I have been working on my mirror experiment. Sometimes it is only a piece of myself that I look at.  But I am looking.  I think is helping me see me...and not what I wish I would see.  Because of that, I could look at some of the photos people have taken of me, especially the wedding photos, and see the absolute joy.

Yeah...I'm fat...but so what...I looked...like me.

So....Grant and I started a 3 week challenge this Monday(more numbers), no sugar....lots of veggies...no grains.  Gotta kick start something.  I gained back the weight I had lost post surgery...but more importantly, I just feel slow and sluggish and icky poo.

Went back to the gym yesterday too.

BJ said it was fine to just lift an empty bar....

5x5 box squats  worked up to a whopping 135
5x5 RDL  95
3x15 Good mornings  45
50 leg curling thinggies with a band.


Felt good to move again.


BJ and I talked for a long while about this off season....what my goals are...how to approach the next 6 months.  

I know I can have goals, but I also know from the path I have been stumbling and running and tripping on the last 5 years...that I really have no clue what might be coming.

I wanna take care of myself in a more consistent way....I want to be kinder, more forgiving.  Both more accepting and more willing to stand and fight.

Hard to program that with deads and back squats~but given the path I have wandered so far, I know they are linked.

Walking on clouds

The last time I flew, I could not make it the entire 2 and 1/2 hour flight without heading to the tiny tiny bathroom.  In fact, almost as soon as we took off, I had my hand on my seat belt waiting to hear the *ding* so I could unhook.

Ugh...for such a big girl, I have a tiny travel bladder.

As I walk quickly to the back of the plane (two, yes TWO people beat me to the front)..I have this moment of weightlessness....a tiny bump of turbulence that boosts me slightly in the air...well, further in the air than I already was.  I looked out the window...I guess thinking for a split second that I was in a car, looking for what caused the bump. That's a funny mind trick, isn't it?  What I saw....big big white fluffy clouds.

I kept walking and thought...I am walking right now, above the clouds.

How miraculous is that?

I mean...I take it for granted....when I fly, I usually just sit...convince myself I am in a car or in bad weather perhaps a roller coaster.

But here I am, above the clouds.

I passed a flight attendant pouring drinks and thought, "You are pouring drinks in the clouds."

Do they ever remember just what a wonder this is?


As I landed and for the next few days, all I could think about, "When do I walk above the clouds and take it for granted?"


When do you?

3...redux

I love this version.....

but here it is for you purists out there....

I love the Pleasanton Games.


I finally finally got to throw with Beth in my class...

The master's ladies were separated from the elite women this year, usually we throw together...we were paired with the 60+ guys....This also meant we had like 17 people in our class that our judge Carlos had to put up with...yikes.  But we are always an efficient group. We are old...we know there isn't much time left.

As you know, I didn't have much in the way of expectations in terms of performance for this game.  I am fat, not training a ton, and I....well...don't think very highly of me right at this moment.  I squeaked into this game. As we were getting on the plane in ABQ, I turned to Grant and told him that I didn't want to go.  I mean, I wanted to go, I just didn't want to throw.

The weather was great Saturday...and it was FREAKING packed this year.  150th anniversary...they had a celebrity throwing too...they expanded the field a little too. Had a new judge, Rachel and I tried to break him in slowly by immediately diving into dick jokes. LOTS of friends and lots and lots of volunteers.  It's great that so many hands help with this...it's big....did I say that already?...(it's a big game)

We started on Light hammer...one of my more painful events.
Then Heavy Weight
The Breamar

The first two I kept my promise on, I really tried to focus on form....I feel pretty slow...on hammer, but my first throw was in the mid 70's so I was thrilled.  Then on the second throw, it felt light and speedy, but I pulled the leg and that dang spot in my groin started screaming at me.  Carlos pulled the tape and I almost started to cry.  87' 2"  That s just a couple inches shy of my big throw in Phoenix.

Heavy weight....Stayed nice and slow on that first turn...again my first throw was a little over 48??  what what? Then...I hit 50...50'2" on heavy weight...Thrilled....

Breamar was...up right and stiff.... 27 and change...I was still thrilled.

WOB saw me go out at 18, but I haven't been getting much over 16, and better than the height thing...I was consistent....

Caber is fun...I got all three tries turned, but I am turning my body at the last second so I can't get the 12...Don't care...I started to feel completed pulls at the end.

I got to see Kerry and Paul and Matt and Pam this weekend too....

I soaked in the tub Saturday night, but Sunday was rough rough.  My chest didn't hurt but it was heavy...like someone was pressing on it.  I finished the morning events and promptly fell asleep on a picnic table. I wasn't going to do the challenge events...I think I had a little bad angel whispering in my ear (Rachel) "just throw one, see how it feels."  I did both events...actually won WOB...

The ladies spoiled me Sunday morning...Bethany made cupcakes at Juli's suggestion...I got to wear a banner...I got lavender treats and a owl covered mug and the most beautiful umbrella that I will use at the wedding.

I got to watch the most amazing things this weekend too...To know the work and time that Juli has put in and then get to watch that pay off...and Kim...I have thrown with her at these games for 4 years now and I have never seen her throw like she did this weekend.  Watching Shonda attack the beast of "this is my starting place."  Karyn, who has focused so much on her health this year, essentially "starting over." Rachel is just so much fun to to watch...so strong..pound for pound, a way better athlete than I will ever be...and Beth...the timing on the 21 can be so frustrating and she was getting it...dialing it in on the WOB.  And well...her power!  Ahhhhhhh!!!

Persistence....that really was all of these ladies this weekend, even me. 

I saw all sorts of other stuff too...There seemed to be a sprinkle more of Joy all over the field this year. Thor and Mike driving that crown wild over WOB. Throwers proud of the work they do, yet humble at the same time.  Makes me so happy to know and to throw with these people.

Carlos, Steve, and Shonda made me cry too....or maybe it was the shot of whiskey I had with Big Daddy...woman athlete of the day?  I share that will all of them...really~truly...

I am spent though...I really was not ready for these games...this two day joy filled event.  I didn't think I pushed that hard...it just took it all out of me.  I had a conversation with Kirk Taylor after the game... I had no idea he was a doctor....he started asking me some details and I told him how terrible I felt because my doctors have all said that I would be normal in a week or two.  He looked me straight in the eye and said, " Mona, it will take your heart 9-12 weeks to really heal.  But really, what no one will tell you, this is going to take you a year to come back from.  And then, really, you are only healed once you forget you had the surgery. You'll never forget forget, but once it is out of your head when you workout or throw, then you have healed."

Wow....yes....thank you....hard to hear, but I suspected something along these lines, but have felt like an asshole for feeling this...like a big weenie.

I really had a wonderful couple of days and I threw much better than I ever could have hoped for too....my guess is the mojo off of these ladies rubbed off on me.  I think this is the best third place finish ever....Sharing the podium with Beth and Juli?  Unexpected.

I am still debating about worlds.  After this weekend, I am not sure I can or should do this again so quickly.  My chest still feels...weird and I am not bouncing back...I'll see how I feel tomorrow....but for the rest of today, I will just be happy with right now.

Lots of Love to Bethany today too!  You got this woman....

heal up....and find that starting point!

3

Three months ago today, I was strapped to a table.  A tiny piece of my brain thought I could die. It's true...I could have, it is rare, but you know...it was my heart.

Ugh....

So...how comes recovery Malec?

I can say, both faster and slower than I thought...I can't really remember what I imagined it would be...that I'd wake up on the 14th day after surgery and feel fantastic?  Jump right back into the training I left behind in March.  Maybe.  You know fantasy worlds have a strong pull.  When I get frustrated, which I am....I remember that it hasn't really been 3 months.  I basically stopped working out the day I went to the ER. So, really it's been 6 months since I could train...train to the point where I could complain about how hard and wonderful everything is in this blog.

I miss setting goals...I miss throwing.

As for recovery, two of the hardest things have been...Loss of drive....and the surprising amount of pain that throwing causes me.  I think the pain, leads to more loss of drive and then I just wanna eat sushi or cookies or popcorn or.....yeah.

I had a nasty knot in my right groin for what seemed like way too long...makes caber and sheaf and especially hammers painful to throw.  I had chest pain for a long time too...especially when I push things physically....happened a bunch when I tried to throw at the game in Snowmass.  Still happens.

Makes me feel like a big baby, especially remembering the doctor saying...oh you'll get back to your normal life in a few days.  Maybe the problem is the word "normal." I mean, my life is normal for me...but perhaps it isn't all that normal.

I have been surprised by a few things, while my squat is still under 300, which makes me feel sad...

With the programming BJ gave me to get started, my bench isn't all that far off my one rep max and I am happy with some other upper body numbers too....strict press isn't too bad...and been working a bunch of dumb bells over head that, at least I think are heavy.

The row last week was kinda cool...and I can do stuff around the yard without thinking much about getting winded.  I may have mentioned this before, but now that I have had this surgery; I realize that the SVT was happening much more often than I thought.  Like a couple times a week....they were minor...but it was happening all the time.  Makes me wonder if some of my "exercise induced asthma" was actually my freaking heart.

I have a game this weekend....I really love this game, these women, this place, but I am feeling...odd.  I mean, how do I set goals for this game?  I always post last years numbers...but UGH...hahahaha ...Not sure I should have number goals for this game at all.

The one goal that I have thought about for Pleasanton is to throw cleanly...focus just on form, not on distances. I hardly throw at all right now...and when I do...it is slow.  So...focus on the foot work...focus on learning from these ladies...'cause the masters group is pretty sweet.

This is a two day game...I gotta allow myself to sit some of it out if I need to.  There is plenty of time for me to push myself and I know that I am not ready yet.

Or maybe I am just a big weenie....and you know if I am right now...then so be it.

Ok...just for consistancy sake...

Pleasanton 2014:

Braemer  24'3"
Open       29'5.5"
HWFD    38'10" (I remember I scratched twice on this event!)
LWFD    63'9"
HH         70'4"
LH          84'7"
WOB      19'

Giggle..some of those numbers are nice and once I decide to really get back to work on this, perhaps I will come close to them again.

Snowmass 2015

Braemer  22'6""
Open       32'7.25"
HWFD   41'7.25"
LWFD    57'6"
LH          77'3.5
WOB      16'


Stones are hard to compare game to game and the stones at Pleasanton are heavy... I can see what causes pain...WOB and Hammer.

So...as a thrower I know said to me once, "Gotta find your starting point."  I love that Allison...I have since the moment you said it to me.  So, I am finding my starting point.  I know what I have done these last 6 months and what I haven't done. Even though it is easy to bemoan where I "was" and not being there anymore...I cannot bitch about results I don't get from training I didn't do!  More importantly...I am back in the gym, less, but I'll likely change that over time.  I haven't given up yet.  My heart hasn't given up yet....

And I still dream of the 90 foot light hammer...maybe I can do it before I turn 50...if I can stop being such a weenie...

mmmm  weenies....I think I need a hot dog.

Taos

I was taken on a little trip last Friday....It was lovely...

I think that we often believe that nights like these need to be special occasions....I know I often thought that a "big occasion" was the only reason I would give myself the reason t take the time away from everyday crap to go away. To recharge with friends is essential.

Why oh why do we do that.

I don't want to any more.

There is always time, because there is so little time....

Thanks Karen and Ness and Lisa...

Sooner than later, ok?

behind again...

So last week I showed up at Praxis, 'cause I was too lazy to get up at 4 to go work out.

I got on the rower to warm up...there are no rowers at the new place and I like rowing....set it for 1000 meters.  I felt good as I started and I decided to try to keep the pace.

4:16

What what?  My best time ever was 4:14...I was thrilled and you know what? Not  so out of breath, not a long time to move on to other things.

Pretty cool.

The 5 AM work out is getting harder to do....I think I need a swift kick in the ass or perhaps a refocusing period.  Think about what I am doing and what I really want.  Perhaps it has changed.

I did a 30 day gratitude thing on Facebook.  I pushed it to 50..I really struggled sometimes...and those were the days that did me the most good.  To shut off my brain and just breath and let all the good things come to me. I will keep posting them, especially on my rougher days.

next experiment?

Ok....I have a new experiment for the next few weeks.

To look at myself in the mirror.

To see myself instead to hiding. I am afraid that this may turn into the perfect storm of self loathing....but I need to stop avoiding my body.

I read this super infuriating article yesterday...here is a piece....

3 Tips to Think Like an Athlete

Here are my top three tips for thinking like an athlete and learning to love your body:

1. Set clear, achievable, performance-based goals. Smash them and then set new ones! Instead of setting weight-loss goals, which are so arbitrary and mostly meaningless, try setting performance-based goals you know you can achieve. Be specific. Run a 9-minute mile. Or squat 100 pounds. Start tracking your performance instead of your weight and your confidence will grow along with your fitness!
2. Don’t compare yourself to others. The best athletes work on what makes them unique rather than trying to emulate others. Focus on your strengths, work to improve your weaknesses and celebrate your personal progress. Now that’s fitspiration!
3. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Fitness is a process. There is no end date or final goal, and there is no such thing as perfection. Take days off. Eat cake without guilt. Enjoy yourself!

All I could think after I read it? Fuck you.  Sorry....

Just another place where I see "it's so simple" and it makes me feel like even more of a fuck up.  I can't even do these "simple" steps...I mean, there are only 3!!

Fuck that....I am an athlete...a pretty dang good one last year and at the start of this year...and still I struggle with body image....doesn't matter that I DO make goals and sometimes even smash them...I see photos of some of these things and all I see is a body I am in constant battle with...Still.....so 3 steps?  I call bull shit on this one.

Hence, the mirror experiment....I hoping that actually seeing myself, will help me be kinder to myself...I do love what my body can do...I really do...I just need to learn to love the outward expression of the work I do that makes me look like I do....and perhaps I might also treat myself a little better...

If you hear wailing....that's me, looking in a mirror for the first couple of days.

more quotes....more something

At the West Side Power Gym where I spend my mornings attempting to regain some strength, there are some chalk boards filled with quotes...

One of my favorites is "If you want a fancy gym experience, squat with your pinkies out."

Yesterday my eyes settled on this:


“It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.” –Socrates


hmmm


What am I doing to get myself there? Am I doing anything to really get myself there....the easy answer is yes...5 years ago I was pretty much rotting on the couch, struggling to get my life to look like I had imagined it would be. I had wanted an active life, yet I ended up on the couch.

SO...as I continue to recover and hit the gym, I wonder what more I could do, be, try.

I live with this low level lingering self loathing...I keep it at bay more and more as I age and as I move....but I know it also is what keeps me from really pushing forward and taking the best care of me.  You know, good old self sabotage.

Not sure where I am headed with this....

Anyway....

I had a spectacular fail on a back squat yesterday too....oh my.  I am used to the soft bumper plates...well...WPG has mostly Iron....After I got 275, I loaded up 305...I really wanted to see if I could get 300 again.  As soon as I stepped back, I thought, "re rack this, it doesn't feel right."  But then I thought that perhaps I was being a big baby. I went down...too far...I got stuck.  Stuck.  I wasn't even sure how to bail...Ugh, I tweaked my whole spine...but Grant stepped in and eased it off of me on to those safety doo-dads.

Lesson...I go heavy....He needs to spot me differently.

Bummed too...I thought perhaps I still had 300 in me.

Not yet.

As for the what more I can do, I met with BJ today, we have a strategy to get me through September...both body and mind.  Also...

Sigh.

I signed up for another competition.

Just to see what it is like.

There is an in house power lifting competition at WPG.  I've never even BEEN to one before...I just thought it might be fun to try.  It will help me temper expectations too...I need help with that right now, before that self loathing~self sabotage takes over.

Just go in...see what my body is capable of.... 

Oh, here is the gym's new web site...


Praxis

And the other gym...

WPG


HA.

games update.

I have been meaning to write about the games last weekend...

but....

Well.

Yeah.

I am coming up against some transitions in my personal life that I am really struggling with.

Point 1...learning to step back and not try to fix everything.
Point 2...not taking bait...I suck at this.
Point 3...letting the dirt of the past lay still so the new seeds can grow.  Tough when point 2 is such a sticking point.
Point 4...shutting off all of the 'shoulds' especially the parental shoulds.


oh games update...

Snowmass was weird...beautiful and weird.
The games were bumpy but I know they will iron that crap out....small stuff.
I have a major girl crush on Edie for more reasons than I care to admit.
I had lots more pain in my leg while throwing than I thought I would.
I actually threw all but one throw...finished the game.

I was flat on my ass tired (not sore) for longer than I thought I would be after the game...at the end of the day I got really down on myself...Pathetic to go there.  I guess I have a lot of work to do.  Frankly, the issues in my personal life and on the field are really the same.

There is no perfect, there really is no best...there is only the best you can do at any given moment, and sometimes that is really not very good...but it is all you have. And sometimes it really is the best, but no one sees it that way, especially yourself.

I did my best, the best I had to give, the most I knew how to do....I am sorry for many things, but I am not sorry for saying enough is enough. 

I am going to approach this like I am supposed to approach the field...each throw is new...yes, you build on all the work and even perhaps your previous throws, but if you obsess over everything you did wrong on the last throw....you will only repeat it.  Whisper the little cues instead.

Chest up.
Eyes forward.
Let it go.
Let it fly.
I am enough.

Breathe.

goals

Goals 

hmmm, in regard to what woman?

ok, well....let's stick with the working out thing here shall we?

I am up to 4 days of lifting a week....I am not really throwing at all yet. I am still having icky pain in my groin when I do. This past week I have also been having more pain in my chest.

Maybe I just miss my kids.

I'll try to throw Sunday....I missed the Portland Games and I will miss Enumclaw.  Juli set 2 world records and a bunch of personal bests in Portland!!  She is on fire and an inspiration.  Trains her butt off, always tweaking form...I really do admire her drive and skill.  It is a thing of beauty. I am gonna try not to get all maudlin next weekend during Enumclaw.....what a group of women throwing in the master's class.

JULl PETERSON* Wauwatosa, Wl   
BETH BURTON, Chico, CA   
KlM DENNlS, Kelowna, BC
RACHEL SMlTH, Mission Viejo, CA   
MlCHELLE CROWNHART, Phoenix, AZ   
TlSHlA MALONE, Coupeville, WA
MlCHELE McDANEL, Kirkland, WA

I mean...wow!

I have never met Tishia...but given the other ladies in the group....just...yeah....

As for me, I shall be working on  my post surgery one rep max for a dead lift this week.  This morning I hit 145 on my bench.  I know it is small, but it's big for me.  Bench just, ugh....I can't seem to figure out this simple move.  Oh well...

My first goal?

Not to call everything a "post surgery max."

Next goal...I want to try to find a little time to work with some of the lifters and with Rocky at the new temporary gym.....they have a core group that does a bunch of power lifting and it might help with my shitty bench.

Next goal....start to throw a little again, I think I may just need to push through the pain I am having...Get over the "uncomfortable" part of it. I submitted my app for Pleasanton....I hope I get to go even though I have had this set back....

hmmmm, another goal?  Keep working out.  The desire to stop, give in, give up has been strong as I have written about before. I keep going...I need to keep going.

OH Hell....big news.

My bike is getting repaired!

Wheeeeeeeee....

This weekend I get to text the theory that you never forget how to ride a bike....we shall see.

new work out

I think I may have found my new sport/fitness obsession!

This 1960s exercise book illustrates everything wrong with our pursuit of fitness

The "cheek reducer" one of the insane exercises featured in Debbie Drake's Easy Way to Perfect Figure and Glowing Health. Debbie Drake via Awful Library Books

The secret to the perfect body has been hiding in plain sight since 1961.

That's the year Debbie Drake's Easy Way to Perfect Figure and Glowing Health was published. In this glorious tome — which documents a fitness era that seems both antiquated and eerily familiar — "leggy, busty, 30-year-old Debbie Drake (38½-22½-36)" gives readers advice on how to do everything from slimming your thighs, to "reducing" your cheeks, and even exercising your hair.

Suck the fat out of those cheeks!

In one easy step, Debbie's amazing "cheek reducer" can give you a slimmer face without losing a pound. You just need to, er, suck really hard.

(via Awful Library Books)

Flirt your way to slim legs!

Debbie shows readers that if you daintily kick your legs about in a sexy pose, while munching on carrots, you can slim your calves and thighs — all while flirting on the phone.

(via Awful Library Books)

Don't forget to exercise your hair!

According to Debbie, "Massaging and brushing are forms of exercising the hair." Why would you do this? She claims this can stimulate hair growth, "improving the lustre and texture."

(via Awful Library Books)

If you haven't had enough of Debbie's tips and tricks, check out The Debbie Drake Show. Launched in 1960, she'd take viewers through "the wonderful world of exercise to the land of slim, trim beauty."

According to Debbie — who also recorded an album called "Look Good! Feel Great! and How to Keep Your Husband Happy" — you can erase your double chin by simply stretching your neck, and her gentle contortions and deep breathing will take inches off your waist and thighs. Of course, weight loss doesn't work like that. Readers of this site should know by now, you can't target fat loss in a particular part of the body.

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose

Much has changed since Debbie's heyday, but much has stayed the same. Gwyneth Paltrow recently promised readers of her website that they could lengthen their legs and grow inches taller by rolling around on foam. Too-many-webpages-to-count are dedicated to tips on how to achieve Kim Kardashian's ass.

Dr. Oz — arguably one of the most famous people in America — regularly features bunk concepts such as belly-fat busting and metabolism-boosting on his daily talk-show.

People keep selling this stuff because we keep buying it. It's good for business. If Debbie taught us anything, it's that we need to stop wasting our time and money on fake fixes.


Thanks Vox....I need to go pull my hair for 5x5 reps....or one pull at the top of every minute? or as many reps as possible?

Healing

Been about two weeks since I saw the doc....

I am working out a little...harder?  Not sure that is the right descriptor....how about a little less cautiously?  Maybe that is more accurate.


Lots of people have asked me how recovery is coming along...

Here are some things I have noticed.

1.  I am not falling asleep while I am in the middle of another activity. Yes this was happening both before and post surgery.  The most disturbing incident?  Dozing off in Costo while pushing a cart.  Yeah.

2.  My groin still hurts a little....not a lot, but I am super "aware" of the sore spots.  This is clearly why I wasn't cleared for lower body stuff right away.  The first time I tried to dead lift....yeah.  I was AWARE.

3. I still occasionally have some chest pain.  It is weird and sometimes upsetting, so if you see me around and I look like I am rubbing my boob....there is a good chance my chest hurts.  I have decided that this is the burn spot healing, you know, like when you have a cut and it itches as it heals....I think the pain in my chest is my heart, itching.  Have NO IDEA if this is true, but that's my story and I am sticking to it.

4.  I am back to my obnoxious energy levels.  And it is a little annoying, well to other people.  I just realized this yesterday.  It's a good thing I think.


I haven't been writing much, I took on one of those month long gratitude challenges on FaceBook, so some things that I might put here are up on FaceBook.  And writing about my workouts feels weird right now.

Not sure why, it just does.

I am sure things will change again soon.....I know BJ is prepping a new space soon....Nooners may rise again.  I do miss the Zia crew. Bunches.

I'll say this, a month ago, I really didn't even want to work out any more.  I felt...lame...Now after a month I have upped it to 4 days a week, and I don't drag my ass to the gym as slowly as I had been.  5 AM is early, but Grant and I go and just do some work.

All this upper body work isn't giving me ripped arms or anything, but it is reminding me that I like to move weight around.  I like to move me around....shit I even use a treadmill for 5 minutes to get my blood moving.

Yea...me....treadmill.....

follow up...

The doc is weird.

As surgeons, they are super confident...they have to be. 

They listen to the heart....listen, listen.

I wonder if he hears my fear, my doubt because as he pulls away from this long long listen he says to me, you need to get rid of this in your head now.



He wants to watch me throw, it was genuine too, his assistant even asked me for date and time of my next game in NM.


I can start to use my legs again....I know...I use them every day.....but use them to squat under a bar and jump on a box and perhaps even ride a bike.


The rest will come.

Whatever is down that path lead by that long long listen to my heart....will come~as long as I listen.

Kindness or Guilt

I saw the following on my friend Jose's FB:


I Forgive, 
I Trust people to be who they are, 
I Forgive them when they mess up for it is in their nature,
I Learn from each encounter who they are and trust in that,
I Forgive,
But trust me I do not Forget.....

I trust people...I trust....I am too trusting....

I prefer to trust people and there is something in this line, "I trust people to be who they are", that knocked me on my booty when I saw it today.

I keep trusting people to be....well, I'm not sure.  Kind?  Thoughtful?  Dunno, most people are, but when I keep coming up against the same old same old....thinking, "they can't possibly....there is no way they can think......"

Truth is, I have not trusted people to BE WHO THEY ARE....I was trusting what I want them to be, how I view the world.  I joke about being Polly Anna, but that is me.  I believe that people are mostly good, that the glass is either half full or it can at least be refilled.

That famous quote from Maya Angelou,

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

And trust them too.

I have been struggling recently with someone who questions my motives.  If I offer help or a kind word I am usually met with a comment later of how I must need to do "nice" things because I feel guilty for something.  I finally stopped trying to have them understand and more recently stopped trying to be helpful or "nice" at all.  My friend Rick helped me with that one.

Then, a week or so ago, someone who cares for me said to me that the only reason someone would need to layer a negative feeling onto something kind you have done, is because that is the only way that they would be able to be kind or thoughtful in the same situation.  They assume ulterior motives because that is what they have, not you. It is contrary to the world view you hold....they believe the world is shit and everyone is out to get everyone else, so of course they question everything you do and say.

Oh.

Trust them to be who they are, who they have been....believe them when they show you who they are.

Sorry Dr. Angelou, it takes me far longer than the first time to even see it, much less believe it.

But I'll try and I will keep refilling that glass and seeing the good and the beauty in all that I am able.

Knowing when to stop.

Well, it has been two weeks since my surgery.

I keep thinking that it has been longer than that, it seems like I should feel more healed than I am.  Especially since I have no scar.  So so odd.

Heart is a little jumpy and I try to walk during the lunch time Zia class

Jumpy...but not FAST...The first few days I could feel the heart skip.  Jesus.

I'm a little bored with myself.

A little sad for multiple reasons.  Been dealing with old old old patterns from an old spot I thought I had freed myself from.  Not sure how I am still tethered to this energy, but it gets me...I let it get me and that pisses me off.

Anyway, perhaps this is all part of my process right now.  Forced to slow down and listen to my heart.

I joined another gym too...BJ has been a gem and has written me up some recovery programing.  All upper body stuff, all light since I am restricted. I went to this new place on Monday and did some bench work...It felt, odd.  I was a little over aware of the heart...but it wasn't jittery like it had been the last few months. I also stopped.

The lifting felt good.

I wanted more.

I knew I could do more, but I stopped.

Well Well Well...there is a lesson in there for me isn't there?

My legs ached a bit after this first recovery workout....legs.  It was all upper body!  I know, I know, but it wasn't terrible. Tuesday I was fine.  Worked out again this morning too.....

I really have been thrown by Zia being in transition, by this surgery too, I feel like I might never really "go back" and I might not.  Perhaps all of this was a way to fix my heart....

Oh...this gym?  Holy shit...I have joked a lot about being one of the old folks at Zia...here...oh my god.  We really are the old folks.

OLD

The guy who owns it seems pretty cool...it is just different. Very different.  Ugh I miss my nooner group!

I roped Grant into joining with me.  He knows just how shitty I feel right now about this and that I really don't like to workout alone and that I kinda don't wanna work out at all and that I really wish I could workout like I did before.

Sigh.

Oh well, it is all an adventure isn't it?

Next day, back to normal...

my ass....


What a load of bull THAT is.  I cannot even believe they have that gall to tell you that!

I mean....Don't get me wrong, I am grateful I feel as good as I do, but "get back to normal life" the day after this thing? UM NO.

Part of my discharge paperwork says that I am not allowed to drive for 3 days.  Can someone please tell me how no one told me no driving for 3 days and how I was supposed to "get back to my normal every day activities" if I can't drive for three days. Oh...and no stairs.

HAHAHAHA

Ok I don't have stairs, but that's sorta basic moving around in the first world sort of issue isn't it?

Oh well.

And seriously, I picked up my purse and I had nasty nasty pressure and pain in my groin and my chest.  My purse.

It isn't a big purse.

purse.

I feel ok.  Today I woke up and my chest didn't feel heavy.  That's sorta amazing I think....I mean they did just root around in there on Tuesday.  The heavy has sorta come back a little this morning, pings of pain on my left side...but much less than yesterday.  I do after all have a burn inside my heart that needs to heal.

And....oh yes...I was awake.  The pre op appointment guy, as much as I liked him...well...he was misleading.  I was awake.  They numbed the legs...but that hurt...the doc warned me as he was about to drive those catheters in, but drive in he did.  And yes...I felt the things enter my heart.

At first I thought he was going right through my throat.  I almost felt like I was going to vomit.  Then I could feel strong strong pressure against my chest wall...I couldn't see anyone during the procedure unless they came specifically over to talk to me...They gave me a little bit to calm me at first, but at one point the nurse, Sergio, came over to my head...I think he saw the tears rolling down my cheeks and he said to the doc, "She's is really awake, awake, I think we need to give her a little more." Thanks Sergio!  It took a little edge off, but I get it, they needed to play with my heart. Which was...weird and kinda awful. I just kept reminding myself that they needed to mess with the pace to find the problem.  First, they must have been using charges, they kept saying "ok we are going to pace your heart"...oh, did I forget to mention just how wired I was...I had grounding pads on my thighs and on my back and I was strapped down to the table(gag)...they seemed unable to get the SVT to stick just with the electrical charges so then they used a synthetic adrenalin....(or something)

That was really really awful....but as horrible as it felt, they got super excited.."See there it is, I'm98% sure it's there, roll back the video.  Yeah it's still there."  I knew that's what they needed to do.  Then they gave me a little more to knock me out....that's when he did the burn.

Then I was awake again and they were testing my heart...more electric charges, more adrenaline type stuff...make it race, make it come down.

He tried to keep it up and going and couldn't, so he was happy.  I was happy I was almost done and would stop feeling the pain and pressure in my chest.

Sergio told me I stayed super still and made the surgery easier for him to do.  I am sure they tell all their patients that, but it was still nice to hear. I was using every tool I had to stay calm....I really could feel myself bathed in light and care and prayer and love and all sorts of good stuff. As long as I allowed all of that to come into my head and my heart, it kept the fear at bay, really. It was amazing.  I had no "recovery time" from what ever they gave me, wasn't groggy at all....don't think I was out that long at all.

My kiddos were there and Vivi said one of my favorite things ever..."People are not 'done,' food is done. People are 'finished.".....I laughed. 

People had to sign in if they were going to to be in my room for a while, this also made me laugh:

The surgery started almost 2 1/2 hours late..so the kids didn't stay the whole time, but I so needed them there.  I know from spending much of my childhood visiting my dad that there is nothing more boring than hospitals, but I am so happy they were there.  Roxanne was there too and she gave them a break by taking them to the aquarium.  Awesome huh?

I had some minor bleeding when I first tried to walk, but it seemed to go just as they had hoped.

Still...no way I feel normal yet!  Well...my normal.  And my dear dear Grant....he is carrying my purse and my lunch and driving me to work...and making me rest...

I am hoping to take a walk tonight, I'll let you know how it goes.