wrap up?

Not sure I have the brains yet to write about Enumclaw...

So I went back to they gym last night....Kinda worked out. Frankly, anyone would be hard pressed to call what I did a workout...

Worked on foot work for WFD, even though I did win both light and heavy (shocker) I am not throwing nearly what I know I am capable of throwing. I was watching both Adriane and Beth on the field during the event...not as they were throwing...(they are both too fast to really SEE what they do) but both of  them sorta go off to the side and----practice getting their hip around.  So, Beth comes over to me and shows me what I am doing. Physically grabs my hips and puts me in the places I AM vs. the places I should be. 

I realize I have broken up the spin in my head incorrectly and I think that is why I don't finish...I really THINK I finish, but as I have said before I really don't know what the Hell my body does.

Stupid body..

No wait...thank you body for figuring some of this out this weekend...you are the BEST.

Can I tell ya something? Can I tell you what it feels like to not only get training tips from these ladies, but to hear them cheer for you when you are about to throw... holy moly.

OK back up....see the Elite Women threw both days, on Saturday with the A class, then on Sunday with the Masters.  Lucky us huh?!?

Sorry back to my lame workout last night....worked foot work....which by the way I will probably have to do every day until Pleasanton, if I wanna get that damn hip in the right spot.  Then back squats.

5x3
3x3

SUPER light.  my excuse?  My flight on Sunday had been delayed, I didn't get home til about 4AM, still had to work. So, sleepy.

Lesson?  Flying out the day you compete? NO GOOD.  I won't do that again if I can help it.  I was uber grateful to be able to watch the competition on Saturday. If I get invited back, I just have to plan for a slightly longer trip.

I can tell even when I write when I am avoiding something.

I almost didn't make it to the games.  I had what I can say has been the worst night of my life so far on Thursday before I left for the games.  I only slept about 2 hours before I had to drag ass to the Airport...can't sleep on a plane. 

On a side note, once in Enumclaw, Sarah and Michelle and I found Europa,  A German~Polish place with the most amazing owners ever...Cool people eating there too...people yelling at you from another table telling you how good the food is....I ate too much, even ate cake...I had a rough rough weekend around food.....

SOOOOOOO....Sunday....The day started cool and foggy! But guess where we start?  Yes, again, starting on HWD.  I start with a single spin..so freaking freaked out about falling down, hurting myself, throwing outside the vector lines...ugh....I am throwing off a platform so it should feel just like practicing at the gym.  But as you know my head does NOT like to play along....A woman I have not thrown with before, Juli,  and I go back and forth on this one..actually she and I go back and forth on all of the distance events...Hell on everything....Quite fun!

I squeak out a win on the Heavy weight, but not a pr...and I am frankly pretty far from the pr I threw in Colorado Springs.  I really know at this point that I am capable of throwing that bastard 40 feet...I just gotta fix the hip...and now I have a better idea thanks to Beth, how I might do that....

Stones were ok....and Light weight for distance...HEY...guess what? a pr...(4 inches) my only one of the day.

WOB has gotten into my head as badly as WFD...cluster fuck for me that I really need to repair,  BUT...I saw Kristy Scott hit 20 feet....then 20' 2"...crazy..The elite ladies were on fire on both Sheaf and WOB....amazing throws.  Thrilling really.  I told Beth she had to get 17 feet for me on WOB..she did...She told me I had to get 16 feet....I didn't.  One of the throws...had the height...I guess by a fair bit too....not sure how to fix it...

Cabers were ok....the first one was tiny and I almost threw it over my shoulder on the pick.  HA!!

Second one was fine...nothing like we had to throw in Flagstaff...geeeezzzz.  I keep forgetting to plant BOTH feet as I throw which keeps me from getting a 12.

Sheaf...grr....I took the event, but I didn't really deserve to....couldn't clear 21...sigh...I've done it before...

Hammer....felt good, but I am holding on too long so 3 of my throws were outside the vector....still won that with an 81 I think.

Over all, I am getting closer to the numbers I was throwing at the beginning of the year....before this "heart" crap happened.  The numbers for the year are not gonna be what I had hoped, but I am feeling better....I was less paranoid about my pulse during these games than I have been all freaking year.  Time to tweak some training...

These were really great games... great women....so many volunteers.  I am thrilled that I get to watch many of these same ladies throw in a month in Pleasanton.  I hope I don't  disappoint Beth again...I'm kidding of course.  I don't want to disappoint myself by undercutting what I can do~how I can prepare. 

Hum, that's sorta new for me isn't it?

I also really hope I get invited back next year!

Moment of the week...

Vivi:  I'm really proud of the dead lifts.

Me:  I'm proud of you too.

Vivi: I never thought I could do that.

Me: Really? Well then I am even more proud of you for doing those.

Vivi: I'm gonna be sore, but its a good sore.

Me: yeah, you're getting stronger.

Vivi: Yes, I am.

File under one of the 32,754 things that can make Mona cry....

Who knew....who knew....

It feels....

different this time.

This weekend I have the distinct honor of throwing at what is known as "The Claw." This is The North American Championship games in the Northwest...by Seattle....I don't really like flying, but I applied and I got my invitation. Gonna be a fast one too...I throw on Sunday, but I have to fly back home on Sunday.

Let's hope I make the flight!

I have been very nervous/excited by these big games....Worlds....Pleasanton....I have still had that feeling of "I don't belong here."  Somehow, someone is gonna find out I am a fraud....I am just a pudgy middle~aged goof bag dressed in a kilt who stumbled on the field.

:)

I feel~different...yeah I am still nervous and excited, I always am before ANY game....but something happened to me during the Flagstaff games.  Can't really tell you what it was....'cause I am not really sure....but at some point....the entirety of the weekend made me feel~

Supported

Loved

Validated

Me


Just doing my best is really enough and no one who really cares about me, or really knows me will be disappointed  (except maybe Chuck) by my throwing...they will only be disappointed if I give up on myself...or berate myself.

I am also thrilled to be at the games on Saturday.  Why? Excited to watch the women on Saturday...these are the best of the best.

~ ELlTE WOMEN - Saturday and Sunday ~

ADRlANE WlLSON, lrmo, SC   KRlSTY SCOTT, Ellensburg, WA  BETH BURTON, Chico, CA

HEATHER MacDONALD, Torrance, CA   KATE BURTON, Silverdale, WA   ALEXANDRA NORMAN-ROSS, Calgary, AB

~ WOMEN'S CLASS A - Saturday ~

ANDREA MONTAGUE* Shelton, WA   LYMAN ASAY* Pocatello, lD   ANGELA OSTLE* Farmingham, MA BETHANY OWEN* San Jose, CA   MEGAN MELHAM, Edmonton AB

YEAH.

The women I get to throw with?  Just as Fucking badass....  

~ MASTER WOMEN - Sunday ~

LAURlE JlNKlNS* Tacoma, WA   ERlCA HAY, Ocala, FL   JULI PETERSON, Wauwatosa, Wl   KlM DENNlS, Kelowna, BC   REGlNA WECHTER, Canby, OR MlCHELE McDANlEL, Kirkland, WA

Now, normally at this point in the blog...I say I am gonna get my ass kicked.  I think I am done with that little phrase...I have my throwing to do, my PR's to chase, my heart & asthma to keep in check, my own ass to kick thank you very much.

Flag was great. There was a HUGE group of both really great throwers and lots of newcomers.

I think part of why I feel like I walked away changed was that camaraderie and support was the main focus with this group.

I had one PR...I finally cracked 70 feet with the Heavy hammer.... The 16 Foot WOB still eludes, but my final attempt was a good throw....

I am sitting down with BJ next week to talk training...I am starting to feel better and there are things that Chuck and I are gonna work on too....

Why? So I can win? Naw...I mean, don't get me wrong, winning is fun, but throwing well?  That's more fun.

yea, not what you are expecting...

I know I have started to post post games updates....but there is something way more important I wanted to share than my little experiences at the games.

I can't really post updates on facebook, 'cause Vivi won't let me...but last week Friday...Vivi started working with Shane of Miller Weightlifting.

This is Olympic style lifting not power lifting. 

Vivi has dug her heals in about doing ANYTHING physical since she quit doing Girls on the Run...and I sorta blame myself for that one...with all of my positive talk about running and all.  When she started Middle School, she said she was gonna join the track & field team...but well..that never happened.  So once her job was over...I asked her to at least try...

Shane works with a bunch of kids and I like how he interacts with them.

Now I can hear some of ya already...she's 13...she's small...weight lifting will damage her growth plates...

To that I say...Blah.

I watched her on the first day....really listen to Shane...the adjustments he gave her....and realized that she will understand how her body works and performs better than I ever will by working with him now.  I watched her yesterday fall doing a back squat...and she got right the hell back up and kept working.

Yea..shocker...I teared up over that.

Now I have no idea how long she will stay with it, but if she is anything like me, once she feels the power it gives her....well....

:)

Rage or some such thing

It has been a challenging week....

A huge part of this stems from sleep deprivation. I am not talking crazy sleep deprivation, but for me getting only about 5 hours of restless~interrupted sleep in uncomfortable positions is not making my mind or my body function on any sort of level the makes me feel good.  Last time I saw my doc, she warned me about this...said that the body will create funky reactions to long term lack of sleep.  I have new bed time rituals and teas and meditations that she asked me to work on.  There are medications she can prescribe, but neither of us wanna go there.  These things work.....see I had created some fear around going to bed....

Oh well....

Which leads me in an odd way, to the gym this week....I have lots of things stuck in my head....y'all know about weight for distance....well certain heights for sheaf and WOB are stuck too.....and my lifting.  My numbers have been stuck in my head a long time.  I know I know, I haven't really felt up to pushing myself in the gym....why? Oh yeah...fear ...again....she has really taken over lately.  Stopping me from all sorts of things I need to throw~lift~change.

Monday....

Back squats.

3x3 135, 185, 225

3x1. 275, 315 dropped this one..sad face...315 again...got it.  Then 335. Marz came over for this one. I dropped it...it hurt too...hit my back funny. Not only did I fail the lift, I failed at dumping the bar too.  You wanna know what Marz said after I dropped the bar?

"Why did you give up on that? You went down and I saw on your face, you decided you couldn't lift it before you even tried to." 

He saw that as I felt it.  He saw me give up on myself.  That was a hard one to hear.  Damn glad he said it....but still, hard to hear. 

I can feel myself giving up.....in all sorts of ways, and I absolutely HATE when I feel this way.  Food, sleep, working out, learning lines, throwing goals, auditions, and bigger things that are too scary to name....

So, I go outside to play with sheaf....I think about Paul....the release stuff he challenged me to work on....I look at the bag....throw it a couple of times....trying to feel something as I throw. Then at one point, I feel myself place an assault on to the bag (yeah this is all woo-woo and wacky).  Not sure how I felt about that...but, the fucking thing flew. Or at least it felt like it did....I don't have a bar, so I don't know.  I can't do that every time I throw.  

Ew

I also had that typical reaction...I shut down.....but then I grabbed someone else and made them throw the sheaf with me....I didn't wanna be alone at that moment.  The thing is though....there was no release at all...just shut down and bottled back in.

Tuesday.....

Foot work, hammers,  hang cleans.

3x3. 55

2x2  85

1x1. 105.  125.

I do these with a three second pause in the hang...checking my lazy back....felt good...except....I don't  go past 125...another lift that is stuck in my head....dammit.

Then I go outside to work my stone drills....the gym was packed!  

Working on the damn "feeling something" again....then....the same image; incident that showed up on Monday, shows up again. This time, (woo-woo warning) I try to let the throws send the fear and the anger out of my body.  I try....I suddenly get furious....I decide to keep throwing to see how it feels.  I stop and I can feel myself start to cry.  I really don't wanna fucking go there...it makes me even angrier that I turned on the water works....so I pick up the medicine ball and throw and throw and throw and throw....I don't take a rest between throws I just launch the ball over and over against the wall. I stopped and just tried to imagine this shit running out of my body.

I don't know what any of this is or that it makes any sense....I'm just playing with it. A friend who I have shared some of this weirdness with wisely reminded me that even if I am exploring this; to not lose who I am in this process~to not forget who I am.

After I'm done....I talk to Marz again....I confess to him that I feel like it is time to test myself again....I feel like I am not working hard enough....I feel fat, lazy, annoyed, in pain....and still afraid.  

I have two games coming up, two weekends in a row....I don't feel like I really deserve to go to one of them....because I'm feeling fat, lazy, annoyed, in pain, and afraid. 

Going anyway. 'Cause yea...I know...powder my ass, slap a diaper on me...waa waa waa....  :)

I wonder what weird things will show up today......and I wonder what will show up this weekend.  Found out today that the women's class is huge in Flagstaff. 16. Gonna be a long day....and I am going even though I said I wouldn't go back to these games after last year, but as y'all know about me....I am always giving people second and third and tenth chances...usually to my detriment....but I promised Michelle and Sarah....and who can say no to those two? And after all, these are just games, not like some of the other crap I have put up with....

Wheeee games.