When physical therapy isn't....

Paul said to me..." No good wine."  

"I don't understand."

He said, "I used to say this in French, no good wine comes from vines that haven't been stressed."

So I had PT yesterday, I expected to work on the neck...and to ask him to take a look at my ankles as they were sore after competition.  

Paul was more interested in this tachycardia stuff.....but in a different way.  I have been seeing Paul off and on for almost three years and in all that time I have never worked with him the way he worked with me yesterday.....he has all of the typical Chinese medicine type posters on the walls, but I have never thought much about it.  Well, yesterday he starts with acupressure....checking my pulse in all sorts of places on my body.....then zeroing in on my left side.  I know this stuff works for people...acupuncture and all the energy flow stuff, but frankly I know nothing about it.  

He stops and says to me....

"You started this journey from a really good place, you go at this from joy and you are happy moving the way you do, but something is missing.  You'll never get better and you will never feel better until you let yourself tap into this pent up rage you are holding on to.  You are moving in a way that should allow for it, but you are afraid so you stop it before it can release.  That's part of what is going on with your heart.....and why you can't sleep.  I don't want you to think that what you have done is wrong by any means....it's just you can heal with this sport from the trauma that sits in your body if you learn how to use it."

Transform the poison to make it useful so to speak.

Now first...I need to say...everyone has fucking trauma...we carry our own special sorts. In fact, the few people I have met who don't have some sort of trauma in their past have been cold and mean humans.

Still.....I am not really getting it.   I am scared of it.  I am this joyful person on the field you know? There are already expectations for how I am...how do I "tap into rage" without being a total dick?  As you can guess, cause I am who you know me to be, I get very upset and I fucking cry.  

Sigh.

Then I remember two things.....

The first? Deadlifts.

The only time I have been able to get super heavy shit off the floor, the last time being 380....I actually did what Paul was talking about..I dredged up a painful moment when someone I loved was super ugly  to me....I looked at that bar as if it were the person who stood in front of me and said "fuck you." I got it off the ground...and I also let go of the edge of pain that moment caused me.  

The second?  Just happened in Idaho during WOB.  I was at 19 feet....I missed the first two times....and at this point I was getting huge support from the women around the field....I was laughing as I took my second throw, trying to let it go...not think too much...let it go...blah blah. When this guy Bob that I had just met....did something that I did not know how to take.  I was placing the weight after and as I stood up he came up to me and hit me in the chest.  Not HARD~not mean...but it shocked the crap out of me and made me so fucking mad.  I picked up the weight and said fine, "I'll just throw the damn thing then."

I cleared 19 feet.  

I told Paul about it yesterday...he asked me if I understood what that guy did....I had a couple of thoughts...he said no...men are often better at spotting that need to tap into rage....mainly because boys are raised to either bully or be bullied.  He saw you had the technic, but were missing that anger that rage, so consciously or unconsciously he triggered you.....

And in my usual dopey fashion.....I teared up again.

For my son, for me, for the stuff that I KNOW I am angry about, and for the stuff I don't know I am angry about. 

He wants me to "play" with this.....I have a game in a week and another game the week after...I'm not sure I know what to do....but the last thing Paul said to me was...."your body is telling you it's time to move on, it's time to release this trauma.  You can't rewrite what's been done to you Mona, but if you listen to your body, you can rewrite your relationship to it....which really? Kinda rewrites the way you tell the stories to yourself, doesn't it?"

I had no idea when I started this fitness/weight loss journey 3 years ago that this could even be possible, in this sort of way.

Perhaps my body can make more sense of trauma by moving than  "talking through things" ever could.

recap Valkyrie....

I'd love to recap these games....but I have a problem remembering anything that happened this day.  I am telling you one thing...if I can get to these games again next year....I am flying....four days in a car seemed like a good idea.  Well it sorta was,  the drive was lovely in too many ways to describe.

The throwing  Day started off with a bang...which is probably why I can't remember much.  Laura and Angela pulled up shortly after I did and then there was an issue with a tent. 

I honestly don't know how it started, but there were hysterics about the tent's first time and how tight it was and all of the expectations for the tent's first time being raised and all sorts of other stuff that literally made me fall to the ground clutching my gut.

I love Laura...she is killer competitive, a killer thrower, yet she is super supportive of other throwers in every way imaginable.  I have only been to a couple of games with~well~unpleasant competitors.  This game was never in danger of becoming that....a great group of women :Michelle (whee), Laura (stop making me laugh) Angela (grace!), Gretchen (my fellow mid life crisis athlete!) and Grant was our judge so with this group you can imagine the jokes.

As for events? 

Stones felt consistent....WFD was an absolute cluster fuck....I think probably the worst I've thrown in a year.  Laura gave me some good advise about my stupid feet.....I'm working on it already.  Hammers were....ok.  I was disappointed in my numbers....not sure what was going on.  It was during hammers that our group went rogue and started to measure each throw.  In Idaho & Utah the do this flag thing...Me no likey.

You place a flag with the throwers name on it in the spot, but don't measure...well,  if they throw further you move the flag....wellllll....sometimes, if it is on a steeper angle you can't tell..so we had sticks and leaves and extra flags all over the field.  We all decided too that we were not throwing as far as we thought without knowing the numbers.  Oh well..I know you gotta be flexible...but we gave up on it in hammers.

Lunch...hot damn, the volunteers on these games were great and great fun too....

WOB then Caber then Sheaf to round out the day.

Wob was gonna be weird because we were throwing the 21 not the 28.  7 Pounds doesn't sound like much, but it changes timing...significantly.  Laura, Angela, and I were busy discussing when the hell to come in on the event.  I only have like 6 throws in me~max.  I usually come in at 12...I've missed it sometimes...but with the lighter weight...ugh...Laura wanted me to come in at 18...I think I slapped her.  We decided on 14.  I missed my first throw....shot waaaaay behind me.  Laura missed too...I got the next one, but Laura ended up with a no height on the event.  I was so freaking bummed for her....completely unfair....stupid "over the bar" part. 

Caber was WEIRD...no taper..we were all tired...my neck got pinched and left a terrific bruise and the Queen of Cabers?  the woman who I have learned so so much from did not turn the damn thing. 

The A class was being slow on Sheaf so we ended up playing with the larger caber just for fun. (that sounds dirty)

UGH...new bag...and my fork is too thick (that sounds dirty too!)  I couldn't get it off the bag(sigh), only cleared 18. LAME.  BUT we got to watch Angela set a state record for the sheaf.  Hot damn this woman can throw sheaf....so beautiful!

Laura was giving me shit about how I was going to beat her....I had a really really hard time hearing her...It made me feel...odd.  She was right, the WOB allowed me to pull ahead of her.  I really have known since I met her that I would never beat her.  But sport is sport and you never know what will happen. 

And Laura...no lie...was fucking happy for me. 

She is a true athlete..... 

After the games there was much rejoicing....this had been a work in progress for 5 years and they pulled it off.  I really hope that any female athletes out there who missed the games this year will go next year.  Let's double the numbers...we had 29 women on the field!  60 next year.... 

Amazing stuff....And for my masters ladies...Keep your nipples to the sky ladies, nipples to the sky.

lifts and throws

Okie dokie..those you you who read this silly blog know I was is Colorado Springs this weekend.   I went to the Pikes Peak Celtic Festival.  I guess there used to be a Pikes Peak Festival, but it went defunct 14 years ago so some dude~ young dude~Joseph Poch got it up and running again.

First and foremost I wanna say thanks to Mark Buchanan and all the Rocky Mountain folks for their hard work and their time.  They certainly made me feel welcome and I will tell ya....I may make it part of my summer to not miss a game in Colorado. It was a cute little festival and from the outside, for a first year they seemed to have a pretty good crowd. The throwing field was a little awesome and a little weird. The main field really maximized the crowd viewing area, but the main festival wouldn't let them have either WOB or Hammer on the main field...so when we did those events we were WAAAAAAY off in the distance, but the day was so nice, who cares.

One of the things they did was have a roving announcer....I really saw just how much this keeps the crown engaged....I think it is more important than I ever thought.  The guy announcing,  he was really good, let me say that first, BUT...he could never get my name right....I thought it was the funniest thing.  I know the last name trips people up sometimes, but at one point he didn't get my first name right...I laughed my ass off.  I really did think it was funnier than Hell, one of the other throwers though did not think it was funny.  Roger CrazyWolf finally went up to the guy to get him to say my name right....HA!  (He still struggled with Malec....but at least he got Mona right from then on!)  My favorite bit of his became the "guess what I learned from Mona today folks?  There is a New Mexico!"  I started yelling to the crowd, "no passport required!"  Anytime Jerry or I were on his radar he started it all over again. It was a hoot.

Women had 4 throwers and so the judge was asked "pause" between events.  We had such a great group of women. Cat (meow) Faline (her very first games, not her last) and Edie (a former Triathlete and she was my age!)

OK  so guess what event we started on?  Come on....

Yup WFD.

sigh.

I decide to throw in cleats because of the condition of the grass...best choice I made all day.  Kept me on my toes to throw....First throw single spin...36+feet.  yup a pr on the first throw....go to the double and hit about the same...then the third?  not so much, I ended with a "ooops" instead of a yell.  Threw one 60+ light.

Stones were decent...27+ on Braemer which might be a pr.....and 32+ on each open, not pr, but consistently good(for me).

Caber was funny..hard.  They had pretty light & short sticks....but the field was wet from a down pour so you never know...I watched a bunch of people fall that day.  We skipped a caber...didn't mean to, the markings were faded, so Mark brought out this crazy caber....17+feet....but light...BUT a crazy taper. Really narrow at the bottom and a sharp expansion at the top. So when I picked it...I nearly lost it over my shoulder into the crowd...I thought as I was dancing with the damn thing...this is light, but I can't control this....pulled it as hard as I could into my belly and took off to get rid of the damn thing and I ended up turning it...wheee a 12.  I looked at my shirt..and I had clearly cleaned the caber of a years worth of dust.  HA!  I was so dirty at these games. 

There were such great people in the crowd too...people just wanted to find out who you were and share who they were...it was great.

Sheaf was fun...it was raining.  The crowd had gathered under the music tent which was across from us, so the ladies had a captive crown for sheaf!  Later in the day, so did the A class...cause it rained again.  I only  hit 21...I am just not getting enough coil....enough pop straight up at the end.  sigh.

Pierre and I had lunch....then I drank a beer thinking I had another 45 min or so before WOB and hammer...ooops...I didn't.  Wob was...ugh  cleared 14, went up to 16 and I just don't get it.  I don't know why....in ABQ when I was in screaming pain I know I came close to 16'2"   I should clear 16 fine. nope nope nope.

Hammer.....they use a 9 pounder in Colorado.  Hmmm. You know what?  It threw off my timing.  I really should be able to fling that, but something just felt off. 

Post games?  The coolest thing happened.

Roger CrazyWolf goes out into the crowd and gets people interested in trying the caber...the AD has them all sign waivers...and they line up and give a little instruction and the crowd gets to join in.  It was super cool to see that. A great way to get people hooked I think! 

I am so glad I went to these games...

Yesterday?  Back to lifting....gonna get my ass kicked this weekend in Idaho by my friend Laura! wheee!

Back squats and stone and Hammer practice.  Tonight I plan on throwing my new weights at the neighbors.

3x5 Started light cause my hip hurt.  95  then 135  then 185
3X3  205, 235, 255

Back up to good numbers on those 3x3.

Oh! I got my official invite to the North American Championship games AND I got official word the Frankie and Johnny is a go...wow...I'm scared of both of these official announcements.
I did see the doc, but I am still processing the info...and the additional changes I need to make....

What is that ripping sound?

I am awesome and so are you

Loved this link to all sorts of women's Fitspo images....I too appreciate that "strong is the the new skinny" and all, but I also think that most of the images that go along with this phrase are just as unattainable for many of us as the super model image....I must say, I wish I was more computer savvy and could make one of these about myself. Might even use that new profile picture on FB.

So last night in the gym...

All sorts of warm up crap, lots of the PT shit I am doing for my neck too.....then the main part of the workout was throwing drills and Back squats.

To say the gym was packed last night would be an understatement...so I was in a different spot, kinda mixed in with the epic folks from Miller Weight Lifting...such beauty... Swear I'll never move like that but I love watching it.  So I lumber in a different corner with my power lifting grunting.

3x3
135  Ah....I wish they were all this nice.
185  still nice.
225 Ok this feels heavy...I remember as I am coming up on my third that this used to be my one rep max....

3X1

255  Ah....I wish they were all this nice....(really)
305  Not too shabby....Kinda cool that I can load the bar to 300+and not freak out about it.
335  Well....here is the sticking point huh... I think it was 2 weeks ago I got a pr of 330, but I decided what the Hell, the 305 didn't feel too awful. Load it up, I swear I hear a tearing sound...Is that my shoe? No Mona~ it is your spine tearing away from your back,  get down, start to come up, dump the bar. It's sorta ok; sorta not...I think some of it is in my head just like freaking WFD, but I did start coming back up which was better than last weeks attempt at 335 when I dumped the bar at the bottom.

I realized some thing with that lift though...something that may contradict things I have said before...I needed help.  I needed a coach there or another lifter yelling to me the things that would help me get it up, the micro adjustments I was missing, the "you can do this" kind of thing I may just rely on more than I wanna admit.

So what is the protocal for this without looking like a complete douche bag?

"Hey bro, come watch me get all swole."

Gag.

Asking for help has never been easy...isn't for lots of folks...especially in the gym when it looks on the outside like it's ego driven.  I mean I like getting that weight up, but I wanna be stronger...better than I was last year you know...

Oh well, the solution to this tiny problem is to switch to more cardio....stop lifting....

Today....Oooof   my friend Cody gets the perseverance award....the Crossfit workout looked especially hard today and this man just kept ticking away at this thing....would not stop for anything...cheers man! 

I worked on Cleans today...something has started to click with the form finally....the bar is ending up in the right spot at the end of the lift...my lazy back seemed to have gone away today.  When I did my singles at 125...I didn't freaking power clean them....I actually did them RIGHT....Jody Stumbo was asking me why I was going light...form form form...perhaps I am about to break though this sticky head place with the clean & jerk and go fast and low past 150....

Now about WFD....sigh......

Once it cools off tonight, if it's before the sun goes down I plan on throwing things at the neighbors. I wanna see if the drills I have been doing for stone are translating...and WFD...stupid WFD.

new mind games

I recently posted this quote from a new blog I am following..I also posted it on my fridge:

What we need to do is change the paradigm so that we value our bodies for all of the amazing things they let us do.  We need to expand our standards of beauty to recognize that beauty shows up in all kinds of bodies.  And we need to get over this idea that the most important purpose we serve on is to be beautiful for other people.  We have a right to have healthy bodies, to take up space, to have appetites, to cultivate our strengths in whatever form that may take.  Our time on this planet is precious and we will never, ever get it back, so let’s stop squandering it in pursuit of meaningless ideals we will most likely never attain anyway.  We deserve so much better than that.

For whatever mind foggy reasons I cannot remember who posted this...where I found it, but when this person posted it, they wrote "Train to perform and you'll look like you should."  I also have that on my fridge too.

Something about that little sentence has shifted my thinking about my body and about what I am eating in a significant way.  I have decided that "Eat to perform and you'll look(and feel) like you should," needs to be added to that list.  

I had fallen off my good food habits yet again....stress and pain being my two main excuses...EXCUSES I SAY!. but some how reading this blog... when-the-pursuits-of-skinny-and-strong-collide, and reading the sentence linked to it clicked for me...I actually SAY this to myself each time I am about to eat something. 

Dumb I know....years of bad brain programming that I STILL am controlled by...

Will this food,  or sitting on the couch, or this snack get me closer to my goals....will this make me perform....

Will this make me perform?

Wow....something clicked....I hope this is the final click, but I suppose that is a silly request.  I know I will probably be dealing with food issues and body image issues the rest of my little life.  But I can tell you this...I feel so much better this week...again...eating what will help me perform. Eating what controls inflammation. Eating for fuel not for comfort. 

Yeah...I took a rest day yesterday..I hurt myself in the gym on Wednesday....I was doing Back Squats...3 at the top of each minute for 10 minutes....supposed to be at 60% of your one rep max...I went a little lighter to work with the fabulous Marz...so, I was really working on the pop back up and on one of the reps...well, I really popped.  Guess what happend to the bar?  

Come on guess..

Yup...hit me right about C-7...popped and hit my neck.  Really?  yeah.....freaked me out a bit.  It swole (and not in a good way) and bruised....and I had trouble sleeping....AGAIN.  But this morning, the swelling is almost gone....and the bruise is not very bad at all....and I am not so freaked out.

I also spent some money on something I shouldn't have....I'll post a picture when the illicit purchase arrives....