blurg

I promised myself I'd write...but I am one crabby~bitchy~ungrateful~angry momma today so lets see how this goes shall we?

Hit the gym last night...was not looking forward to it, I have seem to be running out of stream by the end of the day and as I mentioned before I am not feeling very good lately.  I did have this thought after I wrote the last blog that it is sorta amazing to me that I feel good in my body at all! That is still a new sort of feeling....and even nicer that I MISSED it!

So, with some internal and external coaxing I made it to the gym.  It was snatch day for me and well, I was not feeling it...(keep your dirty thoughts at a low roar).  So..I avoided it for a while.

I started with a nice little warm up...then I moved to stone drills...stuff I am stealing from strong & far..one foot up on a low box...supposed to help train you to launch off your back leg...the hip.  Then standing...then some open throws...felt good...then to hammer.  I have a heavy practice hammer and I decided to bring it to the gym because I have found in the last two competitions that the heavy hammer was throwing me off.  So some hammer winds with the heavy....good to stay low and try and keep my feet stable.  Hope it helps.

Then it was time to deal with snatches.....NOW...I am going LIGHT to deal with speed and to fix my form....

3x3
2x2
1x1

I asked Shane if I could use his platforms with was great AND as a super added bonus I got to lift next to Dominick...he is great to watch.  Dominick from Miller Weightlifting is the one who helped me discover I had a lazy back.  So I am working on my snatches...hang snatches mind you....AND in the hang position I hold for 3-5 seconds.  I know that doesn't sound like much, but it is for me...especially with 75 pounds.

Then I was done....but I went outside and tossed the sheaf around a bit...then I did some good mornings and back extensions. 

I left the gym....sore and feeling like I had actually pushed myself in a way I have not for quite some time.  I also resisted checking my pulse every 2 minutes.  Got home, everyone pitched in and banged out dinner...and then...hmmmm, I went outside and threw things at my neighbors. WDF is still not coming...but I'll get it.  I am making tiny corrections that I think are beginning to stick...just not consistently.

Woke up sore.

I liked it.

Oh..just for my friend Cody here is the short version of my near fight at Isotopes Park on Saturday.  Game went really late because of the brawl on the field that night. So about 11PM or so this group of folks that were sitting near us...SINCE 7...got really crabby that we were yelling at players (we always do and had been all night)...so the guy snaps at Pierre, who basically says, if you don't want us to yell, go watch it on TV.  It was weird because my friend Chad had been chatting with them earlier...they were Memphis fans...no big deal right?  Chad asks the guy to calm down...then the guy asks Chad it he wants to fight in the parking lot.  WHAT??  ( not Pierre?)  Something about that moment, those words, the fact that my kid was sitting next to him, made me snap...

I freaking found myself on my feet offering to fight him myself.  Honestly....I so wanted that guy to come at me...I so wanted to punch him....I had this uncontrolled rage just ooooozing from every pore.

They left....calling us hippies as they did...which made everyone laugh.

I was quite embarrassed by my behavior and am pretty sure that the folks we always go to games with won't wanna go with me again...and I really don't know why it happened.  I think I may be back in an emotional place that is really dangerous for me....I have everything so tightly controlled; to try to control everything....which I know is an illusion...big joke on me with that one.  Trying so hard to not feel what I am feeling that it spills out in the stands of the 'topes game.

Dopey girl.

Oh well....Missed the noon workout today so it looks like I have to gear myself up to workout tonight, feel free to text me something that will badger me to get to the gym....and I start rehearsals on Thursday...for what I cannot yet share....but I am thrilled and terrified.

losing my grip

I realized I am down to posting like a half a short crappy blog a week....I am working out I swear...but I am not working out like I was last year.  I am still annoyed by this and almost hate posting my lame workouts on this even lamer blog....

So today...I was so luck Sarah B decided to put pants on and get to the gym at noon with me.  Although she could show up with no pants and make me happy...

So the gist of my workout was back squats.

5x3
3x3

I went light and fast~ish today...135  165 185: 185 215 215

I did other stuff too....warmed up, grip work, foot work for the Weight for distance....but that was pretty much it....an hour.  I miss the days of the other lifting programs that BJ has had me on, but I also know I really couldn't do them right now....I am way to cautious about my stupid heart rate and it takes a lot of the fun out of being in the gym and lifting. Well...the fun is still there in the people around me...I am just not having fun in my body if that makes any sense...

Had a wicked heart racing event yesterday...in the middle of Target thank you very much.  I could almost feel it coming...I was trying to work on breathing and staying calm and blah blah blah...but when it hit, holy moly.  I almost fell down...but managed to hold on to the cart.  Managed to stay calmish...managed to bring it down or let go of the fear whatever it is that makes it stop, and I checked out and went home.  It gets to me though and I was annoyed and worn out for the rest of the day. 

Still feeling worn out today...still finding myself checking the pulse too..grrr...

That's why I went light today..the fear.  Shit, as I am writing this...I can tell my pulse is STILL a little high. But there is nothing wrong with the heart...well it feels both a little broken and a little filled to the brim, but that's a story for another time.

Had PT again last Thursday...he gave me more stretches to play with...many of them to release the pecs which he thinks is tied to the racing heart deal....might be...He's a crazy guy but I trust him...STILL waiting to see my primary doc again to talk about the heart stuff and menopause and stress and who knows what the hell else.

I told someone recently that I write so that I can feel better...so I guess I better keep at this to figure myself out...it doesn't really matter if I think anyone who reads this is sick of me and my heart...I just need to keep writing for me.

:)

 Tomorrow, I might write about the fight I almost got into at the 'topes game....

Utah wrap up...sorta

Long weekend of driving..and I realized I never wrote anything last week...I could have...new PR on back squat...changes at the gym....goals~thoughts~and worries about the games in Utah.  

I even brought my iPad thinking I should blog as I went or actually write a longish blog..nope didn't happen.

Oh and here is a picture of food I ate...um the best sauerkraut I think I have ever had...and you can cover me in a quilt of these pirogi.

Let's see....I had two athletic goals this weekend, make it through the games and have fun.

Frankly...I really had a rough day in ABQ...but what's done is done.

Okie dokie...so how did it go?  Well Friday started out about a shitty as it it could.....the long drive was both a relief and a surprise.  It ended up about two and a half hours longer than it should have...but I actually slept well, which is a shocker these days. 

We had 7 women in our class and Gretchen threw for the first time since she hurt her shoulder...so proud of her.  We were the old women on the field...which is fun. Unfortunately, I took two pictures and then my camera broke so I don't really have any shots of the fantastic people I was playing with this weekend.

I could break down the events....If I could remember them all....but eh....the main things were....I very nearly cleared 22 again on sheaf...(had the height~wrong spot)  Watched the Birthday girl Stefanie take sheaf...she shot for 25 and almost got there.  I had a weight snap off in my hand and take some skin with it.  We had to find new chains and a handle and the other weight just wasn't as good.  BUT I did hit 60 feet again...whew.  Caber was ok.  Flipped it all 3 times...with one 12 o'clock. Heavy weight?  Killing me...just KILLING me...scratched the first throw....almost everyone scratched the first throw.

Stones were so much better than in ABQ...and Lyman gave a few more  things to work on...specifically weight distribution stuff...awesome.  Watched her hit 38'10" on her open stone.  She said it had been some time, high school I think, since she hit that number...it was AWESOME!  For her extra throws I stood out at 40 trying to get her to hit me....almost...but her first was her best which often happens huh?

WOB...sad...hit the bar at 16' 3" dummy...so in my head...these games had great announcers wandering the field...you never knew where they were until they started talking about you...I had hit 15'6" and asked them to raise it....I just wanted to try...not really thinking it's a big deal or that I had much of a chance. Well, the way the have the field set up there are stands of the crowd every where....and well there was a bit of a crowd and the announcer comes on over...there was also a pro next to me shooting for 90 feet on LWD so he was moving in between us...I was trying to time my throws so he was watching the pro, but it just got all in my head...and I didn't focus well.

Why can't I get this?

The pro did...so that was cool...I failed, but the crowd was great.  Later the announcer came to me and said..."some day you need to learn how to use the crowd to help you, don't be afraid."

Hammers...weird....they kept breaking.  I am suddenly getting weak on heavy.  I think I have to use my heavy practice hammer for winds instead of my light.  During hammer...I had a bit of a heart event.  Just tried to chill...had fun talking to one of the athlete's parents and relaxed.  We also broke ALL of the women's hammers....I took my final throw on light hammer and there was like a 30 degree bend where the weight connects to the handle....I was surprised it held! Yeah, women bustin equipment!

It was a really fun game....I let myself have more fun and the class of women I threw with...great fun and great throwers.  I did take second....I surprised myself with that...especially since lots of these women are closer to Kegan's age than my age.

I did finish....and I had a great time....the woman who won, Lyman, she even came up to me and thanked me for pushing her to throw further...made me tear up a little...damn good thing I have those transitions lenses so no one sees what an emotional pushover I can be.  I mean really, it's not befitting a Heavy Athlete...is it?

Baby steps away from fear,

Okie dokie gym report....yippie.

Last night...Open my programming and it has throwing and back squats...so I escaped having to face a WOD again.  I suppose I could have...but I didn't...so...yeah..I'm a baby. 

boo hoo

5x3

135  Quick and snappy
185  About the same
205 eh...a bit...um..a lot bit slower...

3X3
225  oh, not so bad.
235  What?  why is this killing me!
OK so what to do...235 feels heavy, last week I did all 3 sets at 235.

Oh, listen a voice..

"Oh shut up...just load the fucking bar and stop thinking about it so much."

oh...didn't expect that....ok bitch  260

guess what happened?  up down:up down:up down

ok throwing time, I am avoiding WFD~ so sheaf, some hammer winds...and "stone." The new building has cinder block walls, which means I can actually let a medicine ball fly from my throwing position without denting the wall.  Cool.

The new space is weird, but I am sure I'll get used to it...the saddest thing? Low ceilings. 

Neck felt...ok last night..a little crabby this morning...working the mobility things Paul gave me.

Today...

I saw yesterday that my programing had me doing a WOD...Hang Snatches too, but the WOD has been the issue now for over  2 months. So,  I get to the gym...and do my light and snappy hang snatches....focusing on my lazy back.

As the rest of the group is finishing the lifting portion, I find myself looking to Sarah and Kori for some confirmation that I will be ok to try the workout.  It is something that I would have LOVED to do 2 months ago:

2 rounds
1 min tire flips
1 min slam balls
1 min row (calories)
1 min hammer hits
1 min atlas stone ground to shoulder

Sarah always gives me this "quit being a ninny" look, you know in that supportive way she can.  I joked with Kori that today could be the day 'cause there were firefighters and doctors there to save me if I needed it.

I asked Will too...I seriously don't know why he is so nice to me and puts up with my crap, but he does. He suggested I leave out the rowing if I wanted, but I did it anyway.

I didn't go super hard nor did I go for all the heaviest stuff...but I didn't go to the lightest things either...I got all the way through it.  I was breathing heavy at the end....LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. 

Then, I just had to see if I could flip the heavy tire at least once and I did.  I sat for a moment on the couch~checking in with the pulse and checking my breathing.

I feel like I made it over some sort of speed bump today...I also kept my word to myself about getting back to the WODs and well I am writing this so~I didn't die....

Weekend Lessons

So, I set up a second meeting for the Zia Ladies to check up on our 2013 goals.  I think it got lost in the soon to be summer shuffle and well...I was not super surprised when no one showed up.  I ended up having a burger and a glass of wine on the "patio" of Capitol Bar & Grill.  Frankly...it was kinda nice...just as I was finishing up, Kori came by...It was great to sit and chat.  We had never done that before...she told me a story which I think I really really needed to hear and as silly as this sounds, I think it was the reason no one else showed up on Friday.

The gist of things, Kori asked me if I was afraid of being successful, of being good at something, afraid of the pressure I think other people are placing on me..since there is not anything actualy wrong with the structure of my heart....

Yeah I know...this has been suggested before and I kinda hate that I may be the one bringing some of this on myself...

poops.

I spent most of the next day cleaning out the spaces around me...clearing clutter making room..not sure for what...but there it is.

Then I saw Paul on Monday...Y'all know how I was feeling about this...I get nervous when I see him...especially when I am feeling fragile...He was great actually.  He looked me straight in the eye and said, "Today is NOT the day to tough it out or to push through the pain. You have to tell me exactly what you are feeling good or bad."

He made some other interesting observations as well....the pain tied to the heart stuff...and this one blew my head apart...my Brachial nerve complex and veins and such...they were all pinched and tied up and down and not working right which made my neck over compensate...He really felt like the heart crap...well...is my body responding to being in pain.  It's only gonna take so much before something gives....and my heart racing is a reflection of not only emotional stress but also the physical stress of this messy system of mine.

It will never be "fixed" but I can manage it better....honestly..I am seeing him AGAIN this week and again next week before I leave for Utah.

I wonder why I still wait until I am falling apart before I ask for help.

The other really funny thing he said to me....Some of these issues are because you decided on an unbalance system to become an athlete...some of your systems are over firing, some under firing...we need to get them ALL firing and find the new athletic balance. 

Then he makes me look him right in the eyes...and says, "I just want to make sure you understand, you throwing and training...did NOT cause any of this pain."

OK....ok...ok

Take this in...he says...keep training while we work on this Brachial mess, just stop if your body tells you too.  You hardly training, but not in pain is better than training hard, but being in pain. 

See...it really is all Greek to me until Paul puts it into simple terms...


Something about the conversation with Kori and the work with Paul are related to me...but I am just not smart enough to be able to put it to words.

I am going back to they gym today...new space for Zia...see if I can lift with less pain and perhaps even try to get the freaking WOD in with out being afraid....

No one likes to see me like this when I look at a WOD...