Oooops, I did it again.

 At the gym yesterday, wrapping up my little bitty front squats, when I became aware of some things I have started saying to myself again.

 

The dreaded "for a...." has wormed it's way back into my training and into my brain.

Crap,  I thought I had put that behind me, but I realized today that it has crept back in.

This constant dismissing of myself, of any skills I have; by adding the phrase, 'for a'....to it.  The place it has really roared back is in throwing.  I think because of the lack of training this winter, along with the recent injury, and the worsening neck issues...I am dismissing myself before I can even start.

 I KNOW I am aging and I KNOW those changes are real.  I don't believe that "age is just a number" because things fucking change...and they are supposed to....but...the tone I am taking with my own little brain has become destructive and in some weird way, jealous too?

I have been caught up in focusing on outside validation or in comparison...oh...there is the issue. 

Am I right?

Yes, I am right.

When I had a moment at Fefor this month, I went up to Nick and thanked him for telling me that I was stronger than I really knew last year.  That his words had pushed me to, at the ripe old age of 57, pull a PR on a dead lift of 440. I looked him dead in the face and said, "not too bad for an old lady ."

Even though I was thanking him for what he said last year....Like totally tone deaf Mona... I am lost in some sort of self loathing sauce right now.

He looked me back, dead in the eye and said "No...that's a lot for ANYONE." 

As I walked away, all my stupid brain kept saying was, "That was nice of him to say....He didn't have to say that because it isn't really a lot, especially for all the people here."

 

SIGH

 

I am changing.  Aging is real.  And I don't need to cut myself off from any possible pleasure from working out or trying new things or staying strong.

Not sure what to do or feel at this point.  I should be looking to those women who are older than I who are still doing amazing things instead of always looking at the women who are younger than I; those who have decades of training behind them, thinking that I should be able to "keep up."  Dumb I know....but in my defense, we sure do live in a competitive culture. 

I guess I could use some help.  So if you hear me on the field or in the gym saying 'Yea, not bad for an old lady, not bad for a fat ass, not bad for a fat old lady" you have my permission to tell me to knock it off.