Is that jealousy or....

 Grief?

 

Been having some issues lately with jealously...oh that green monster...

 

What about Mona?  Oh lots of crap. 

My health, my throwing, how I look, my artistic life, how live, how I work, retirement concerns, relationship expectations...

All this stuff I am taking in and looking at myself and thinking, "what did I do wrong," or "why don't I haves."  And honestly there really is a lot I've done wrong (who hasn't), but why right now? Why am I looking all around me thinking "WHY".

Oh....

It suddenly hit me that I am not jealous really, it's grief.  

Grief for the person I never became, grief for lots of choices I made, grief for the open trusting child I started out as.

Ultimately....I gotta let go of the illusion that things "could have been different."

They simply are as they are. 

 

I thought this might be a super long blog where I tried to explain myself...but...it's not...it is just as it needs to be too.

I have a lovely life~ smart, caring, challenging friends, lots of love...the gentle supportive kind, I could go on...but as this meme above says....just breathing in and taking it in~means the list is truly endless.  

 

 

More numbers....and another question.

 I wrote recently about what it means to feel "ready" for a game after my dear friend Grace asked me what that meant. This weekend, after the game in Estes Park, Grant asked me, "did you have a good game."

Well, thanks babe...I did....why though?

Oh shit another deep thought on a simple question??? WHY???

Seriously, what does it mean to have a good game?  Surface level asks surface question...did you throw well...did you win?  I have always had a complicated relationship with the "did you win= a good game." Those who know me a little better know that about me already....I often do not post the actual out come of a competition. I have won some games and felt like absolute shit afterwards, so....what made it a good game this weekend?

There might just be too many factors for me to figure it out anymore.  I just know that I started out the day pretty joyful in movement and was able to hold on to that.  Was the weather good, yes. Beautiful setting, yes. Throwers I love sharing the field with, yes. New people to throw with who were open and generous, yes. Did I throw well, yes. Did I throw far (for me), yes.

I know a bunch of this is really about my mental prep, lead up or day of.  So how do I work on fixin my brain to have a "good game?"  Eh...I can't.  I guess it'll always be a crap shoot.

I will say I am not quite a wrecked as I thought I might be after doing a double.  Not sure I wanna do it anytime again soon....oh dammit...never mind....I am doing it again at the end of the month.

Ooooopsie.

So, I promised numbers....The first number is the list from the post-it note from two weeks ago, second number is from Estes...

25........27' 9.25"  Oh, nice. 

31........31' 9.5"   Threw a little further in Pleasanton, but I am always happy when I am over 30'

 45.......46'10"     Pretty similar, but happy...keeping that 2 turn.

62.........62' 5.25"    Wheeee....On the struggle bus with light....

65.........67' 1.5"     Happy with this one for sure.

80.........78' 9.5"     Ahhhhh, more struggles with my light hammer.

18.........18'           Um this was a fantasy, but I actually got it. And I also only got this because I did not know how high it was, I thought we were at 16, maybe 17.  Popped it over, last one in, and was asked if I wanted to go up.  Where are we, I ask...oh, really, I just cleared 18...again, with the mental game stuff.  Tried 19, been a looooong time since I tried that.  Didn't get it, but I was close.

26' on sheaf.  Don't throw sheaf in Pleasanton, so I didn't have a number on my post-it.  Happy as hell with 26, I went for 28....I think I might get it soon. Honestly, I don't think I will; but It is crazy to think I might be able to get a PR after all these years and at my rapidly advancing age.  

Ok...on that note....I did say a while back that I thought I should make some goals...big goals.  I have but I haven't put them up on here.  

Here they are....now keep in mind that these are "dream goals." Alrighty, I am nervous about even putting these out there.  sigh.

28

35

50

70

72

90

19

29

There they are....next year's goals.  I know I gotta get through 2024 first....and yea, something could show up to derail the focus. But there they are.

Dream big my friends and see how it goes.  

Pleasanton and Estes....

 So, even though I was trying not to have throwing goals for this weekend...I could not help myself and I put 8 numbers on a little sticky note and shoved it in my purse.

I dragged that little asshole out this morning and here is what is showed me.

I do love me some post it notes...

25

31

45

62

65

80

18

That's what I wrote.

Those of you can guess what those numbers mean....well, this is how the day ended up.

26

32

46

59

64

73

15

I am still struggling with my hammers...but heavy wasn't far off from my post it note...light is a mess...so is light weight.  I was double spinnin' with that heavy though, so that's good.  Now, that WOB number is a little misleading.  The first day of the comp, our group got delayed a bit, so when I won the event at 15 feet, I opted not to move the bar up so as not to jam up the standard any long...and we had caber to throw to!  I have also noticed that I am really dealing with the recovery after and during games really well.  Last year I had added the spin bike to my routine in a more regular way and I think that is really having a positive affect in recovery and "making it through" a game.  Now I know that there is a lot of down time during this game, but it is also a high stress game too.

Headed to Estes this weekend, yikes.  I don't do back to back games any more...I'm too old.  Really set myself up for a rough Fall...oh well.  I did hit the gym today and will try to hit it again on Thursday, while making sure I get up on that bike. I think I will just keep this ratty little post it for the game in Estes too.

I did have a really hard time this weekend feeling my age....feeling older than my age.  Really feeling that I am on a serious slide into something...new. I am super grateful that a lot of games, even huge ones like Pleasanton, have added the upper masters classes so I an still come play.

Man oh man...the 40's masters classes had 4 people in on WOB at 20 feet. You read that right, 20 feet.  It was so cool.  SO inspiring. I loved hanging out on the horse track on Sunday and watching all the huge throws.

Once it was all wrapped up, I was walking down the track and I looked up. Took a deep breath in as I watched a hawk riding the thermals in and out of the palm trees.

I stopped for a moment and just felt the ephemeral nature of this moment.  I may never be back on that track again, for any number of reasons. 

That made me feel such gratitude. Gratitude for this moment, for this game, for the organizers, for the volunteers, for all the athletes, for the friends I have made, for this body that is still holding up. 

If I never get to look up at those palm trees again, if I never get to watch these powerhouse throwers again, if I never get to push myself on that field again; I have that moment.  

I hold this gratitude.