That's one way not to be whole...

 Oh my, what a month this old girl has had.

Started out having to cancel the last game with a nasty knee....Had to cancel a Sisterhood workshop...had Covid in the house....Emery had some medical work done....saw some shows....took some time off work....been spending a shit ton of money on PT and massages and stuff...and oh the knee....pretty much haven't been to the gym.... The knee is frustrating.

 

This has been, not just a lot of stuff going on, but honestly; this has been a really hard month for me. You know in my brain space.

After practice yesterday (which was a mixed bag) I found myself in, well, a pretty rapidly declining dissociative state...or as I imagine it more often...I was rapidly compartmentalizing....shoving everything in little boxes in my brain in the hope of shutting down some of the pain.  Yea...yea...that's what I do. 

It really is a decent survival tool, Hell not only survival, but honestly a life skill.  I mean...we all have to pack things away til we can deal with them sometimes.  It's why we behave differently with different people or at work or whatever.  

But, sometimes the little compartments are not very...helpful... sometime I break myself down into such small pieces that honestly I don't know who the fuck I am anymore.  

I also know that these little places I shove myself into often make me come off as cold or whatever...and the longer I stay in situations that I know are not good for me, the colder and more distant I get.  Sadly, I have been like this...well always...which has contributed to me, even though it's a good survival skill, keeping me in harmful relationships for far too long....Like FAR too long.

I also don't often speak up or speak out because I am busy constructing another little compartment to shove part of myself into.

Anyhoooo, something happened yesterday that send me shooting deep into myself...and as we were driving home Grant asked me what was going on....I said nothing....I mean like shhhhh I'm busy creating tiny new shitty boxes to shove something down....and he just says, "you are really pulled back."

He has said this to me before.

Sometimes I will just say I know, I'm just thinking....or I will reassure him that it isn't "him." but that didn't happen yesterday.

I fucking lost it.

You know it's like if you squeeze a container with the lid closed....well....the pressure is gonna make something happen...

So, I erupted like a tube of toothpaste....glopping everywhere...in the moment it was scary, then it felt good...it felt good to let myself feel....really feel what I was feeling. Unfortunately, I shoved the hammer and boards and nail in my brain so fast to shut that shit down, to box it up.  I wish I could have sat with that much longer.  With my anger, with my fear, with my heartache....really let it move through me and not just into another box in my psyche.

But....I have always done this...it feels all to comfortable and even though it is a ton of work...it is also the "easy" choice?

I left myself feeling super shut down yesterday, but I did think of sharing this, so maybe that is something...then I had this thought.

If I have compartmentalized so much, so strictly for so long, then, who am I? 

Who am I?

And....Can I at least expand some of these compartments, would that make me feel more whole? Is it worth that work....it's not scrooge here...this is 50 years of being this way...this isn't a ghosts are gonna visit and everything is gonna change thing....

For some reason, I suddenly feel like there is more risk in building more boxes...the shutting down is beginning to feel, deadly.

Anyway, here is a pretty cabinet...I'm sure my brain isn't this lovely.