Confession time.

I have been thinking about writing this since...well last freaking christmas eve...seriously...no reason that I haven't yet...I just haven't.

So that night I found myself sitting alone on the couch watching one of my favorite christmas movies...and well, both Emery and Grant get sick of my christmas movie watching habits by this time of year.  As I remember it, I was watching Scrooged...seriously...one of the best movies out there and as per my usual...I was crying.  I know it's a funny one...but these were not the laugh so hard til you cry tears...they were real weepy tears.  If you know the movie...it's when the little boy speaks at the end.  

Yea, I cry big sloppy tears that I try to hide every time.  

Well being alone..I just let myself cry.  

Then I had this thought...I actually still believe in Santa.

Yup.

That's why I love these movies so much.
 

Now to be transparent, I don't watch just any christmas movie....no hallmark crap for me....

Lots of funny stuff.  But yea...I believe.  I know that for the most part, it is moms that make the magic of the season happen.  And yes....I loved when the kids were little and the fun things we'd leave out...the carrots for the reindeer...the boot prints left in the snow...and my favorite was when Kegan "figured it out," letting him know that Santa is in a way real and it was now part of his job as a big brother to keep that magic going.

So...why though...

There is a christmas movie that isn't really a chirstmas movie...Rise of the Guardians...that I think explains why for me....and yes, I cry at this moment too.

Santa is trying to get Jack Frost to understand that he needs to know himself...his center...to know why he is a guardian...and Santa shows Jack that his is "wonder."  There it is.

I believe in Santa still because I still have wonder...and magic...I fucking love the magic, the wonder, and the love of it all.

So this November as I start watching my list of movies I watch every year...I think I will just let myself cry without hiding any of it.  I think I finally don't give a shit who sees that I still have wonder, magic, and love as my core.