Crazy Click in my head

 So....I have been feeling really weird lately.  I have let the blog fall off again which is a shame, because I just got to do some cool shit this summer...

Um Norway and Poland....

Anyway.  Back to the click in my head.  As you know I am surrounded by lots of amazing athletes and yeah yeah, I still struggle with that label for myself, but who needs labels anyway.  Ok, back to the point...I was in the gym a while back, doing rack pulls. My coach had me doing them for a few months and I had a funny thing happen as I was working on them.  I kept hearing a voice...(ah ya loud bastard voice) keep saying,

 

V:  yea, whatever they are just rack pulls, not a real lift.

Me: it's still work.

V: yea, whatever, you should lift more.

Me: I am lifting a lot.

V: Yea, whatever, you are only lifting a lot 'cause you are FAT.

 

Ok....why am I doing this to myself...I know some of it is being surrounded by lots of amazing athletes...and the fact that I am seeing lots of people I know again jump back into the lovely world of crazy diet culture that I am still trying to work my way through...Making this clear...MY ISSUE....not anyone else...people feel they need to eat 500 calories a day is not my issue, truly...but because of 50 years of diets and yo yo crap...I see it and still go to the "oh I should do that for a while" thing.

Again, let me make this clear...that is MY PROBLEM...you wanna do 500 calories a day that's is your choice.

Anyway....back to the point....what was the fucking click in my head...back to the rack pulls...

 

After the "voice" says you are only lifting a lot 'cause you are FAT...I finished a set at 420...and I sat on the ground near the bar and a different, quiet voice says,

 

v: yea, you are fat...but Mona, fat doesn't lift this weight....being fat does not erase your strength....being fat isn't the reason you can lift heavy or throw far....please stop telling yourself that.

 

Oh.

 

Training, power, strength, speed.....that's what moves the weights...

 

Yea, I am fat....stop trying to erase me.   (ME)

Thanks for listening to my rambles....my attempt at healing....