Day 4

Update:

Day 4

Week 1

Well...I regretted every life choice I have ever made during that workout.

It took me way too long for something that seemed to start out as just a long series of breathing exercises..and ended with BJ watching me row sprints as he ate a chocolate chip cookie.

Not cool BJ...

Not cool.


All I can hope is that in 6 weeks, I look back and know it was all worth it.

Ears...

Those of you who know me and the 8 of you who read my rambling know that as I approach 49 that I am trying really really hard not to panic about my health. I still find myself, much to Grant's annoyance, predicting an impending heart attack or a stroke.  I am experiencing a bit of numbness again...some of it down my leg...but when I am careful about mobility and the position of my neck; it goes away. 

AnyHoooo.

A few weeks ago, I was parked on the couch, watching a cooking show or something, when I thought I heard my heart beat in my ear.  It was weird though, uneven ~ fast~ then slow... I felt my pulse...it wasn't my heart beat at all....my ear was, for lack of a better word, drumming.

Great....I bet it is a tumor, or spinal cord cancer....

I covered my ear and it went away...

Grant decided I was stuffy.  He insisted on a neti pot.  Gross.  No...ew...

 Ok...I tried it...finally....I am stuffed up..I felt like I had salt water in my eye. 

But it helps.  I am also on some allergy pill thing.  It's always gonna be something.

So...I also had to run a mile this weekend for this new program I am doing.   That went way worse than I anticipated.  I was gonna run it on the treadmill...but fucking kill me now.  I know I can't actually run a mile right now. That is part of the reason for me doing this programming for the next 10 weeks or so.  But I thought I'd run SOME of it (well jog).  Emery came with me and I started up the block at a quick walking pace...it's the up hill section....my plan was to walk fast up hill, then jog parts down hill.  As life would have it, I got to the top of the hill and my right calf cramped.  CRAMPED...so, yeah. Emery caught up to me and we walked together with the dogs...me complaining about my calf the whole way.

We walked the mile in a little over 15 minutes. 

Blistering pace, I know. 

I was sorta upset...but hell, it's not like I don't know how I got into this shape.  So...I have a goal for the retest at the end of the program, run some of it. 

HA.

As for the programing...it is fucking LONG....today took me and hour and a half..I really really wanna try to do this whole damn thing, so I came into Praxis at 7:15.  Tuesdays look to be the toughest days, so I am likely to be up here early. 


Yesterday there were these bike sprint things for 15 minutes and today was a 5000 meter row. I have never ever ever, even when I was "Crossfittin'"  rowed 5000 meters.  I HATE stationary machines...HATE THEM....but I sat my out of condition ass on that freakin' machine for a little over 28 minutes today.  Bargaining with myself the whole time...but I did it....slow as shit...but I did it. 

I may have to write about this program a lot so that I keep doing it, please bear with me.

Gary gave me some shit about it the other day, but as I have told you all and others at the gym; I know what I am getting into...I know I need this....and I know I am gonna suck at everything.  And that is just fine with me....because if I can keep doing this whole thing....I will suck a little less at all of it.  And maybe I can appreciate what my body keeps being capable of...even though I have beat the hell out of it and haven't spent much time appreciating what it can do~what I can do.

I won't be "Leveling Up" but perhaps I will be "not giving up."

Doesn't really matter, does it?

It does and it doesn't....

Part of that revelation shit I wrote about yesterday was part of a lesson I got from my youngest son the other day...He has really been going through some challenging growth the last year.  He is brave and strong, powerful and more clear about who he is than I have ever been. 

We were chatting about a difficult issue and I asked him if he was going to bring something up with the therapist, he basically said no, that doesn't matter anymore...what matters is now.

yeah...see that is the piece....somewhere along the way I have done all sorts of work about HOW and WHY I got where I am...and I do believe some of that work really does matter...but then, just like in many other things, (acting and sports) you gotta let the work go and just be present. 

With all the shit we go through, the only thing that is the same is that *I* was there. So how do *I* choose to deal with this right now, in this moment....that's what really counts.  There are reasons and things that happen to us that we would never, ever, ever choose, but they happen, they shape who we are....then we sometimes, if we are lucky, get to choose to move on....we may move with a limp or a broken heart, but we move.  And if we are really lucky and present, we realize there are people along the way that keep holding out their hand....offering tissue, a joke, a hug, a crutch...and it is our choice to push them off or take the help...that's my piece...  I am there...what choice do I make?

I have always been stellar at letting other people off the hook so to speak...I forgive, I move on, I see the whys of what someone has done....but I have never given myself the same...that's part of why I am not as clear as Emery is about who I am...

It is all about the same tangle somehow...and I could spend some time trying to untangle this in my tiny brain, but I don't think I will this time.  It just is...and I will take care of myself~and that boy~and leave it there....

I still think this one is funny...

Faker....

I had a moment last Sunday....maybe Monday at this point, I'm not sure....

 Yup....I've been "faking it til I make it" so freaking long there is no longer "I'll make" it as part of the equation.

 But, this cat dressed as a lion is cute.

And Hell I fucking love sponge bob, so there is that...


Ok what am I whining about now you may ask....What I realized is this...I am not taking care of myself....not at all...I workout  (well not recently)....but other than that.  Um.  No.

I'm a big fat liar. 

It was good to know.

It is.....I had this moment of clarity....I am still treating myself like I am not worth very much...Just for me...I still split my body from my self and chop up my body in small pieces to loathe. 

Still.


Asshole liar....that's a lie...I am all of me....and this body that I fight against?  It does EXACTLY what I ask it to do...I ask it for protection...to hide my fear, my anxiety, did I mention fear and worthlessness.....It also does (I also do) some pretty cool shit. 

So, in the middle of that sleepless night....and now...I am catching myself...thanking myself....and really trying to care for myself.

I know that as I approach my 49th birthday, I am fucking late to this party...but I think, I hope I am actually ready to do this. 

You guys rock for putting up with my crap.....and so does this aching body....

I have no idea what is next...maybe this guy can give me a clue.

What the....

So...I originally was training for the meet in Roswell this weekend...and now I am not going.  Family stuff....travel issues. 

Oh well. 

I also haven't worked out in about 2 weeks.  Well lots of walking...but....the Tuesday after the meet, I was doing dead lifts and I tore the hell out of my hand...the callus on my pinkie finger split wide open...It healed...went back to the gym Monday.....And....I ....Just....couldn't....

Don't know what I'm doing.

Sigh....

Didn't finish the last program strong at all....not sure what the hell I want.  Going to try the next set of programing...it is supposed to help me make all the small corrections that are affecting my movement and also help with breathing shit....probably means cardio....  I read the description and I thought, "oh Hell no.." so yea, that means I need to do it.

I am in a weird fucking place right now....I also feel like I can't put it "on paper" yet...too too too much rambling.


I am looking at myself and thinking..what the shit.


Here's a good work story for ya....my boss was leaving for a bit and asked me to clean up her email...I was planning on that anyway...so yeah of course...I'll clean up folders, unsubscribe...blah blah blah....so I log in, and there are 5300+ UNREAD emails...that number doesn't even include things that were read and then left.

Holy hell....

So the clean up of folders and unsubscribing didn't even happen.  Took me almost 4 hours just to delete shit.  HA....Some of the unread crap dated back to the summer of 2013! 

Oh...the spam folder?  12,000 emails......

I think it's funny...we all have that stuff we just can't or don't complete....I could get all judgy and be, "it so easy, just delete,"  but for whatever reason it isn't for her...So, I'll get in there and clean it up more often.  No biggy....

No different than me wanting to take off this 20 pounds or lift heavier and knowing what I need to do is really simple..EAT BETTER...but I don't complete it. Only difference is that  can't hire someone to eat that salad instead of that cookie for me.