Ooo it posts a blog...

Yeah.

It's been a while.  I was gonna post all sorts of stuff about the programing and I just haven't done it.

I am tired. Stressed. blah blah.

So I am trying a mini post to get me going.

As usual, I did something stupid...I am supposed to be training for the meet in December in Roswell...So Rocky asks me to do a USPA meet in November.  I say yes...well...I don't really know why. Rocky really need one more female lifter so he could submit a team..so that's why.  But really?  It is two weeks before the NASA meet.

See Dumb.

That is really the crux of what I have been feeling lately. And about more things than I feel able to share in this blog.  The past is rapidly informing my abilities in all sorts of areas of my life and all I can see are choices that I made that I thought at the time were the best choices....but hindsight being what it is...

I am an idiot or perhaps at best a fool.

But...as I am constantly reminded...can't do shit about that now.

Makes me second guess everything I am doing right now.

The place it is hitting me that is new is under the bar.   Since I found working out, it has always sorta helped me sort through things...just go lift.  The bar doesn't lie. The bar doesn't judge me. the bar doesn't fuck me over.

Well the last few weeks, I get under the bar or I get ready to dead and all I hear is, "you'll fuck this up too you know."  yup  now lifting feels like failure too. Especially deficit dead lifts.

Cheerful, aren't I?

I had 3 people last week snap at me too....basically...told me to shut up.  Well, shut up from a place of love.

Each time It felt like a slap in the face, but they were each right.


Stop calling yourself stupid, I don't wanna hear that.  (but I feel stupid)
Stop saying you are fat, I won't alow that.  (but I do have way too much and I feel shitty about myself)
Stop pouring all of you energy into something that only blocks you at every turn and wears you out.  (but I don't know how else to be...I did it for so long I guess it's all I know and aren't I supposed to be doing that?)

Crappy couple of weeks.

Trying to focus on the good stuff....love...amazing sunsets...and friends that say what you need to hear, even when it hurts.