Growing old.

Most everyone already knows that Lois passed away yesterday. 

People better qualified than I have said and will continue to say things about Lois in ways that I cannot. 

I told Scott yesterday that even though she was what the world might see as "old," to me, she was immortal. Which makes her sudden passing, shocking.

My first piece with her was when I was in my 20's; my last...in my 40's.  I did some of my best work with her....and we also struggled together as artists.....because she was such a pro, we worked through those struggles together.

Because of Lois, I know that being old....is really a choice.


A choice she never made.


I can only hope I can do 1/10 of the things she was doing as my life continues to march on.

And I know without a doubt, that I am a better artist~mother~woman because I was blessed enough to cross paths with her spirit in this life.

Journey on dear Lois and do it exactly as you want.

Rosters and and numbers and blah blah blah.

My next game is labor day weekend.  I have to confess...I love Pleasanton. I have Michelle Crownheart to thank for introducing me to Steve and these games.  I must admit these are a tricky games to attend this year...the following weekend I get my ass on a plane for Scotland. Although, I cannot see missing these games as long as I keep getting an invite.  They are a hard one...2 days, challenge events...and I frankly have a history of choking at high pressure games.  I STILL have not figured out how to use the energy of the crowd to my advantage....I tend to throw better at games that are tiny and low pressure.  Perhaps, I can still learn.  I mean, I KNOW  I have written about his before! 

The last two years...these have been the games I have trained for.....I have thrown at least one PR each year.

So, here they are, My numbers from 2013 in Pleasanton:

Braemer  22'2"
Open       26'6" 
HWFD    45'9" 
LWFD    61'10"
HH         64' 
 LH          85'6" 
WOB      19'2" 


Jeepers...that Light hammer! Still my best ever; as is the WOB. 


Should be interesting.  My goals? Stay freaking relaxed....stay low.....lay it all out on the field. 


Wanna see who I am throwing with?

Women’s 40+ Masters Class:
#344 Michelle Crownhart – Phoenix, AZ
#345 Karyn Dallimore – New Westminster, BC, Canada
#346 Jeannette Grace – Santa Rosa, CA
#347 Mona Malec – Santa Fe, NM
#348 Shonda Mulrey – Oakley, CA
#349 Kym Ross Pollard – Olivehurst, CA

Lucky me huh?!?

Guess who else I get to hang with for 2 days?

 Women’s Open Class:
#332 Adriane Wilson-Blewitt – Irmo, SC
#333 Kate Burton – Silverdale, Washington (tentative)
#334 Beth Burton – Chico, CA
#335 Bethany Owen – San Jose, CA
#336 Heather MacDonald – Torrance, C
#338 Kristy Scott – Ellensburg, WA (tentative)
#341 Stephanie Robbins – Chico, CA
# UK Meagan McKee

What what?

I usually go out for a longer visit so I can see Kerry and Jane, but I can't do it this year....next year ladies, I hope I can bug you for a really long visit.

Worked with Paul yesterday...he was actually complimentary about the mobility in my shoulders, elbows, and wrists.  Nice...and he didn't bug me about my hips!

I will get to practice this weekend...cabers and stones.  oh stones....

Vivi started school this week and some how made it the whole week without  too much drama...you know she is 14.  Next week, poor kid...she gets her spacers...then braces...  She knows it's gonna hurt and be a pain in the ass, but she is very clear about wanting the teeth fixed. 

It's all process. 

Yup...gotta go through some painful growth to get the things we really want and need.

home again, home again,

Jiggity Jig...

Tuesday...

I have pulled something in my back.  Getting out of bed.  SIIIIIIIIIIGH.

Monday:

Front Squat:

3x5 at 135  I know light, light but speedy

Jerks:

5x2 at 115  wheeeee.

Good Mornings:

3x10  at 65

Pull ups...

Used the green band..but it is time to move to the blue.  Which will suck, but if I am honest....the green are all coming very easily...so, yeah.  Back to sucky hard "pull ups."

I wonder if by November, which is the end of my program, I will actually "get" one pullup!  eh...probs not...but I think I could get my giant ass up on the thin black band.

BJ has also started a Zia fund raiser for me.  He had this shirt designed and is selling them to help me with expenses for the Scotland trip.  25 bucks...isn't that something?

When he first told me he wanted to do this for me, I just thought to myself, "Why?" If you only knew how much you already do for me, have done for me....jeeez, the fact that you took me seriously a couple of years ago when we first met at the weightlifting competition....that you took my sport seriously....that you pushed me to get BIGGER and STRONGER than I ever imagined this mid-life body could get....that you write programming just for me....that you come to my games...that you gave my sport a go yourself....you have no idea what the means to me....especially the timing of all of it as I splayed myself out kicking and screaming though some of the worst times in my life.

ZiaCrossFit Facebook Page

And then I thought, who am I to tell him he "shouldn't?"

I have somehow managed to discover a kind of family in Zia....a kind of a home.

Which gets me thinking about home.

What is home?  I saw a post from the eldest monkey upon his return to school..."I am finally home."  I had a minor little pang, but I get it.  I actually thought at different points that I might make Oklahoma home as well.  Hell, it is home because when I am with Heather..I am home.

Even in this new little shabby apartment, I have begun to feel at home.

I feel at home when Vivi props her feet up on me when we watch TV.

I feel at home with my "theater bitches."

I feel at home on the field and in the gym.

The list is too long for me to keep going~ Bottom line? I feel home when I feel loved or respected or cared for with people who accept care, love, and respect from me as well. Even when we get angry, even when we fail each other, even when we make mistakes. 

noun

noun: home; plural noun: homes

1.

the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.

synonyms:

origin, source, cradle, fount,   fountainhead

I think I really like the synonyms for the word home best...... Source....cradle....yeah.

Warning....

Ramblings ahead....

In Denver after the game we went to a place called Euclid after the game. Some of the best food and service I have had....ever.  Had Chips & Dip.....I had been craving nachos earlier...but these were not nachos.

Chips and Dip, lemon goat cheese dip, oolong tea smoked duck breast, duck confit, Kennebec potato chips, baby dill, extra virgin olive oil. 

The smoked duck was...get this....FROZEN.  Sliced so paper thin...the contrast was stellar.

Then they had both mustard & pickle samplers.  Yes.  6 different kinds of mustard served with pretzel rolls~and a plate of pickles....Squeeee.

I got a little excited.  I was just silly.  I get a little excited about this kind of stuff.  I love cheese plates and sausage plates and samplers of all sorts.  For some reason, these pickles just let my joy out into the room.  Well....not just the pickles. 

I am trying something about my food.  Had started the whole 30 with the knowledge that the Highlands ranch games were right at the two week mark.  I actually didn't stray too far...except for the pretzel rolls...and a piece of sour dough toast. 

I think I am going to eat like what I call "whole 30ish" between games and allow myself whatever I want the day of a game.  Scotland is, of course, an exception...the whole freaking trip.  After the season is over I think I am gonna see how one cheat meal a week feels.  Who knows. All I know is that I feel huge right now.....and old.  No I don't feel old, I look old.  HA!

Speaking of Scotland,  I will be there in less than month. 

In addition to the work I am doing in the gym, I have also decided I need some help.  I have reached out to a couple of awesome folks.  My friend Gwyn is working on me this week and the week between Pleasanton and Scotland.  Paul has been scheduled for next week. Dan will be putting his hands on me the week following Paul. I always seem to have this problem of waiting until I am way into my pain cave before I ask for help....I have entered the cave so to speak, but I am jumping on it now and I am also engaging with all three of these fabulous folks, scheduling them all right now, appreciating each of their unique gifts as body workers.

OH....I hopped on the rower on Tuesday...part of the crazy warm ups BJ has me do.  1000 meter row on Tuesdays.  I felt crappy on Tuesday...CRAPPY.  I really didn't even wanna go to the gym.  I got on and I hit a pace and it didn't seem horrible.  So I kept on it.  Ended up with a 3 second pr on the 1000 meter row.  4:14.  My prior 4:17 was set when I was way lighter and going only Crossfit, long before I ever found Highland Games.  It was very surprising.  Perhaps I am not as far gone in regard to my conditioning as I thought...Even if I feel thick and slow and chubby.....I can still row as fast as I did when I was lighter and quicker. 

Talked to Faith too about "peaking."  I am sorta worried that I may have peaked in Pike's Peak (HA!) She was really smart about it though...1. You can't predict a peak. 2. Getting great throws right now would potentially be my peak and could potentially catch me on the down side at the moment I want to peak.  3. The prior "peak" is park of a larger cycle I may not be able to see yet.

Still...my main goals for Scotland? Have fun. Be grateful. Throw the best I can. Perhaps finish in the top 5.

Have fun and be grateful need to be applied liberally to all areas of my life. 

Feelings...ugh.

Monday:

A max 10 rep back squat.

and 5x3 jerks.

and other stuff too.

Um, 10 rep max? That sucks.  ew.  ew.  ew.

I asked Will for some guidance.  He suggested trying 80% of 1 rep max.  Which would have been 275.  So...I look at the % chart and decide to try for something between 60% and 80%.  205-275. Will also let me know the best way to warm up for such a task.

I did NOT get to 275....I loaded 220....got them done....sweating and pushing and cursing....but I did it.   Man that sucked.

I ended up going light on the jerks...pull ups getting easier though.

Tuesday:

Warmed up and threw...not much, not much.  I am hurting.  My neck is wacky. Shoulder...blurgh.

Frankly....I'm sad.

There it is.

My son is leaving for school on Saturday.  Vivi goes back to school on Monday.

I can't even form words about how I feel about all of that right now.  I only have one thought.  I have only been in my own little place for a month and a half.  It feels like everything is starting to settle out, separate, get organized, come in to some sort of focus.

and.  I.  am. sad.

even though I am happier.....see...how the hell can I write about that?  hahaha.

Today:

I went at noon.  So, right now at Zia they are going though a "testing" phase.  It is very cool to see the work people are putting in, how the pr's are blowing up.  As I was watching everyone workout, I had a moment when I realized that I really don't work out any more.  And it made me smile.

Power clean & jerk  5x2  105
Push press                5x3  105
Sinle leg box jumps  5x5
DB curls                   3x8  35

Funny story about the dumbell curls...two weeks ago I had the curls in my workout, but the class also had a something they were doing with dumbells.  When I went to grab my 25 pounders....they were gone....uh oh...no 30s either.  Only the 35.  Sigh...I can't lift that. The choices were to skip the curls or just do as many as I could.

So, I did what I could, which turned out to be all 3 sets of 8.  It was hard for me, but there I was again, thinking I couldn't do something when I could.  So, well, I couldn't go back now, could I?

So 35 it is.....It's still hard, and I make waaaay too much noise when I lift. 

In other life sorts of news...I am reading a play that I might do and I am gonna be part of a poetry reading....more on that later...'cause the poetry reading is gonna be cool.  Part of a premiere of a movie about the life of Jimmy Santiago Baca

A Daily Joy to Be Alive

No matter how serene things
may be in my life,
how well things are going,
my body and soul
are two cliff peaks
from which a dream of who I can be
falls, and I must learn
to fly again each day,
or die.

Death draws respect
and fear from the living.
Death offers
no false starts. It is not
a referee with a pop-gun
at the startling
of a hundred yard dash.

I do not live to retrieve
or multiply what my father lost
or gained.

I continually find myself in the ruins
of new beginnings,
uncoiling the rope of my life
to descend ever deeper into unknown abysses,
tying my heart into a knot
round a tree or boulder,
to insure I have something that will hold me,
that will not let me fall.

My heart has many thorn-studded slits of flame
springing from the red candle jars.
My dreams flicker and twist
on the altar of this earth,
light wrestling with darkness,
light radiating into darkness,
to widen my day blue,
and all that is wax melts
in the flame-

I can see treetops!

Jimmy Santiago Baca

23 and the Colorado Ladies

'member how I posted about having lost BOTH of my flasks in my most recent move?  Well, when I got to the field on Saturday, a little late mind you, I was greeted by Linda.  Linda is a new thrower, but she is really gonna be good.  She throws track & field events!  Ya see that pink flask?  She brought that too me because she didn't want me to turn in my Heavy Athlete Card just yet.   Frankly, the note made me a little weepy...lots of the other ladies were in on it too.  The Colorado folks? All  of these women....the throwers and the score keepers and the grand dame of the tee shirts are a whole special breed.  They have really made me wish there was a game in Colorado every weekend. 

I know I am not....but they have made me feel like part of their family.

So much cool shit happened at this game. 

First time they had a light weight class for women....5...yes 5 ladies in the class.  I think there were more masters throwers in the open class than ever before.  I watched a brand new master's lady throw her very first game.  All pr's! In our first even, sheaf, in a group of 13 women (yes 13!) more than half either matched or set a new pr.  Even me! 23'

The rest of my day was ok.  Got back to a 60 foot for the light weight for distance, 80+ on light hammer, 31+ on open stone.  Not sure why I am not making the jumps I had hoped for...I mean, I know any pr is a pr and in sheaf I am thrilled, but I am not having those kick ass games, you know? At least in my throws.  And, well, maybe I am at a plateau, and maybe I can't or won't find the time to really push through that....I am not saying I don't want to throw my best, I am just at a place where I have to acknowledge that there are a boat load of things happening in my life right now and I am choosing...I am choosing to focus on those things.  I know it sounds insane with Scotland around the corner, but sometimes trying to force focus else where...just....doesn't....work. 

I am thrilled I am going. 

I am so humbled by the support I have received.

I will throw the best I can those three days.

I have no desire to go out there and prove something, nor beat anyone but maybe walk away with a pr or two. Which...may not happen either.  This weekend, these women, were a great reminder of why I love this sport.

I do hope to make all the people who are sending me on this trip proud of me, but you know, I hope they know me well enough to know that I am proud to throw...proud to be strong...proud to stand on that field....proud that I have learned to be big and not shrink.

Thank you...thank you...thank you.

Hearts and going hard.

Monday
Squats...and Bench.

My right shoulder seems a little taxed.  Might be all the caber work on Sunday.  That, and working on my sheaf form...the pull back makes it feel....ick.  Add the pain I still have in my left wrist from Enumclaw and you have icky poopie bench pressing.

Back Squat  5x2  at 235  These seemed way heavier than they should have.  By the last set they weren't so bad.
Bench     5x3  at 75...I know I know...whaaaaa......

Add some good mornings and some "pull ups."

Was a good workout....I know on paper it doesn't seem like much, but once I get through the warm up it's a long one.

Had a really great conversation at practice with my friend Eden on Sunday.  He asked me about my heart.  See he was at a practice a while back when I had a lingering episode.  He and his wife Susan are always checking on me since this crap started.  I was relieved to report it happens less and less and we also discussed the role that stress plays in all of this.  I confessed to Eden that I was coming to the realization that although I have been working hard, that I realized very very recently during one of my killer Friday~tire flipping~sledge hammering workouts, that I went really really hard...and the heart...came down.....I think I may have been taking a little bit too much rest...pulling back a little bit here and there until that Friday.  That's not to say I won't ever have the rapid heart beat again...I am pretty sure it is with me now as a "possibility."  I feel like I have been here before...sorta...Perhaps this will be a long term, "oh I am working out a little harder again" thing.

For right now, I feel like I have made another step toward not being afraid of the "heart stuff."

That has double meaning, doesn't it?

As for throwing...I feel so...."plateaued"   blergh.

Might be time to do something I hate...video camera.

Time to grow up Mona if ya wanna get any better.

Games...

Another game this weekend!

Highlands Ranch up in Denver...it's a quick drive...up and back; throw and recover.

Last years Numbers:

B                     25'11"
HWD              36'1"
LWD               62'3"
LH                  80' 9"
Sheaf              22'
WOB              15'


Oh look at that Sheaf...I could cry....Especially after last week!  Hopefully something clicks here fast for me on the sheaf...cause WHY can't I improve on this one??

Looks like this was a really good game for me last year.   Goals?  Sheeeezzz  Maybe just come close to the numbers I threw last year.

So, Highlands Ranch, then Pleasanton...then....Some BIG travel.

Even though I still have not made it up to the "big" game, I am starting to wonder where to go next year.  I'd like to hit some new games...not too far away though...so please please throw some games at me that you love.  Be fun to head back to the mid-west...Chicago maybe? Back to the old home town for a game?

Anyway....here is a start, a tiny thought of a list of games....Some of these are just hopeful games, some may stay some may go.....but throw some more out there.

Phoenix

Albuquerque

Thanksgiving Point

Pikes Peak

Portland/Enumclaw

Highlands Ranch

Pleasanton

Estes Park

Santa Fe

Aztec

Gotta hit the gym tonight...I think it is squats.  Squeeee.

More Little things....

Came home from Enumclaw with a couple of pieces of newish information:

1. My new place turns into spider central when I travel....

2. It doesn't have to get very hot if it is also humid.

3. There are certain people you can tease about lapping up sweat from a belly button...(I am looking at you Ms. Curry)

4. Laughing at myself works wonders for my soul...as long as I am not being mean to myself.

5. I can ignore vast amounts of both physical and emotional pain.....but not forever...it will bite me.

6. I was touched by the "nosy" questions and moved by the happiness on my behalf.

7. I like placing bets for beers with other throwers.

8. There is something very heart warming about hearing your name called when you are just trying to sneak in to watch others.

9. I missed Genevieve coming to these games.

10. I can blow an event...and move on.  Big lessons there...

11. If I don't unpack the MOMENT I come home...it'll be two weeks before I get it done.

12. When I walked through the door of my new little place, I still expected Ferdinand & Faith to greet me~broke my heart a little..again. I don't think I shall ever move past the loss of those dogs.