Oooops, I did it again.

 At the gym yesterday, wrapping up my little bitty front squats, when I became aware of some things I have started saying to myself again.

 

The dreaded "for a...." has wormed it's way back into my training and into my brain.

Crap,  I thought I had put that behind me, but I realized today that it has crept back in.

This constant dismissing of myself, of any skills I have; by adding the phrase, 'for a'....to it.  The place it has really roared back is in throwing.  I think because of the lack of training this winter, along with the recent injury, and the worsening neck issues...I am dismissing myself before I can even start.

 I KNOW I am aging and I KNOW those changes are real.  I don't believe that "age is just a number" because things fucking change...and they are supposed to....but...the tone I am taking with my own little brain has become destructive and in some weird way, jealous too?

I have been caught up in focusing on outside validation or in comparison...oh...there is the issue. 

Am I right?

Yes, I am right.

When I had a moment at Fefor this month, I went up to Nick and thanked him for telling me that I was stronger than I really knew last year.  That his words had pushed me to, at the ripe old age of 57, pull a PR on a dead lift of 440. I looked him dead in the face and said, "not too bad for an old lady ."

Even though I was thanking him for what he said last year....Like totally tone deaf Mona... I am lost in some sort of self loathing sauce right now.

He looked me back, dead in the eye and said "No...that's a lot for ANYONE." 

As I walked away, all my stupid brain kept saying was, "That was nice of him to say....He didn't have to say that because it isn't really a lot, especially for all the people here."

 

SIGH

 

I am changing.  Aging is real.  And I don't need to cut myself off from any possible pleasure from working out or trying new things or staying strong.

Not sure what to do or feel at this point.  I should be looking to those women who are older than I who are still doing amazing things instead of always looking at the women who are younger than I; those who have decades of training behind them, thinking that I should be able to "keep up."  Dumb I know....but in my defense, we sure do live in a competitive culture. 

I guess I could use some help.  So if you hear me on the field or in the gym saying 'Yea, not bad for an old lady, not bad for a fat ass, not bad for a fat old lady" you have my permission to tell me to knock it off.  

Travel Travel

 Well,  we are back from our trip.  Yeah Yeah....what has become a yearly trip.

 

Who AM I??

 

Fucking grateful that we get to do this, that I make this happen.

The trip out was LONG....the trip back seemed to work out well.  We got back to Albuquerque about 11PM. Went to sleep as soon as I could, and have been pushing the bed time stuff pretty quickly.  I really haven't had TOO much jet lag....notice how I said not too much....I did still have the zombie staring off into the distance at about 3PM, but it hasn't been too bad.

 

Every year I know I write about this, so there isn't much new to say. If I can go, I will go.

 

This year was hard though, I got hurt on the first day of throwing.  Then I thought I might be fine on the second day....and well...that was a mistake. 

 So....I slept.  I slept a lot.  I would just stop mid day and go up to the room and nap.  I felt really bad at first.  Why would I come all this way, why aren't I doing all of the things, why aren't I doing all of the things.

Well....I needed to nap I guess. 

Did yoga again this year....and the ladies that were doing a bit of yoga with me...we all realized just how worn out we have been.  And some how we all decided that would give one another the permission, the grace to do nothing.

That being said...there were some super cool workshops about nerves and feet and neuro plasticity. It was lovely to watch the women compete for the first time...Great to hang out and watch stone lifting and strongman.  

We traveled to Edinburgh this year too. That was a sweet little side trip too.

Funnily enough, I did start writing again while we were there.  I remember I did that last year too.  

So here I am, just trying to start using the blog again too.

 

This month, I will try to test out the hip. I have a crazy amount of games coming up in September and October. I decided to throw at worlds this year, but that decision is a blog for another day.