wrap up?

Not sure I have the brains yet to write about Enumclaw...

So I went back to they gym last night....Kinda worked out. Frankly, anyone would be hard pressed to call what I did a workout...

Worked on foot work for WFD, even though I did win both light and heavy (shocker) I am not throwing nearly what I know I am capable of throwing. I was watching both Adriane and Beth on the field during the event...not as they were throwing...(they are both too fast to really SEE what they do) but both of  them sorta go off to the side and----practice getting their hip around.  So, Beth comes over to me and shows me what I am doing. Physically grabs my hips and puts me in the places I AM vs. the places I should be. 

I realize I have broken up the spin in my head incorrectly and I think that is why I don't finish...I really THINK I finish, but as I have said before I really don't know what the Hell my body does.

Stupid body..

No wait...thank you body for figuring some of this out this weekend...you are the BEST.

Can I tell ya something? Can I tell you what it feels like to not only get training tips from these ladies, but to hear them cheer for you when you are about to throw... holy moly.

OK back up....see the Elite Women threw both days, on Saturday with the A class, then on Sunday with the Masters.  Lucky us huh?!?

Sorry back to my lame workout last night....worked foot work....which by the way I will probably have to do every day until Pleasanton, if I wanna get that damn hip in the right spot.  Then back squats.

5x3
3x3

SUPER light.  my excuse?  My flight on Sunday had been delayed, I didn't get home til about 4AM, still had to work. So, sleepy.

Lesson?  Flying out the day you compete? NO GOOD.  I won't do that again if I can help it.  I was uber grateful to be able to watch the competition on Saturday. If I get invited back, I just have to plan for a slightly longer trip.

I can tell even when I write when I am avoiding something.

I almost didn't make it to the games.  I had what I can say has been the worst night of my life so far on Thursday before I left for the games.  I only slept about 2 hours before I had to drag ass to the Airport...can't sleep on a plane. 

On a side note, once in Enumclaw, Sarah and Michelle and I found Europa,  A German~Polish place with the most amazing owners ever...Cool people eating there too...people yelling at you from another table telling you how good the food is....I ate too much, even ate cake...I had a rough rough weekend around food.....

SOOOOOOO....Sunday....The day started cool and foggy! But guess where we start?  Yes, again, starting on HWD.  I start with a single spin..so freaking freaked out about falling down, hurting myself, throwing outside the vector lines...ugh....I am throwing off a platform so it should feel just like practicing at the gym.  But as you know my head does NOT like to play along....A woman I have not thrown with before, Juli,  and I go back and forth on this one..actually she and I go back and forth on all of the distance events...Hell on everything....Quite fun!

I squeak out a win on the Heavy weight, but not a pr...and I am frankly pretty far from the pr I threw in Colorado Springs.  I really know at this point that I am capable of throwing that bastard 40 feet...I just gotta fix the hip...and now I have a better idea thanks to Beth, how I might do that....

Stones were ok....and Light weight for distance...HEY...guess what? a pr...(4 inches) my only one of the day.

WOB has gotten into my head as badly as WFD...cluster fuck for me that I really need to repair,  BUT...I saw Kristy Scott hit 20 feet....then 20' 2"...crazy..The elite ladies were on fire on both Sheaf and WOB....amazing throws.  Thrilling really.  I told Beth she had to get 17 feet for me on WOB..she did...She told me I had to get 16 feet....I didn't.  One of the throws...had the height...I guess by a fair bit too....not sure how to fix it...

Cabers were ok....the first one was tiny and I almost threw it over my shoulder on the pick.  HA!!

Second one was fine...nothing like we had to throw in Flagstaff...geeeezzzz.  I keep forgetting to plant BOTH feet as I throw which keeps me from getting a 12.

Sheaf...grr....I took the event, but I didn't really deserve to....couldn't clear 21...sigh...I've done it before...

Hammer....felt good, but I am holding on too long so 3 of my throws were outside the vector....still won that with an 81 I think.

Over all, I am getting closer to the numbers I was throwing at the beginning of the year....before this "heart" crap happened.  The numbers for the year are not gonna be what I had hoped, but I am feeling better....I was less paranoid about my pulse during these games than I have been all freaking year.  Time to tweak some training...

These were really great games... great women....so many volunteers.  I am thrilled that I get to watch many of these same ladies throw in a month in Pleasanton.  I hope I don't  disappoint Beth again...I'm kidding of course.  I don't want to disappoint myself by undercutting what I can do~how I can prepare. 

Hum, that's sorta new for me isn't it?

I also really hope I get invited back next year!

Moment of the week...

Vivi:  I'm really proud of the dead lifts.

Me:  I'm proud of you too.

Vivi: I never thought I could do that.

Me: Really? Well then I am even more proud of you for doing those.

Vivi: I'm gonna be sore, but its a good sore.

Me: yeah, you're getting stronger.

Vivi: Yes, I am.

File under one of the 32,754 things that can make Mona cry....

Who knew....who knew....

It feels....

different this time.

This weekend I have the distinct honor of throwing at what is known as "The Claw." This is The North American Championship games in the Northwest...by Seattle....I don't really like flying, but I applied and I got my invitation. Gonna be a fast one too...I throw on Sunday, but I have to fly back home on Sunday.

Let's hope I make the flight!

I have been very nervous/excited by these big games....Worlds....Pleasanton....I have still had that feeling of "I don't belong here."  Somehow, someone is gonna find out I am a fraud....I am just a pudgy middle~aged goof bag dressed in a kilt who stumbled on the field.

:)

I feel~different...yeah I am still nervous and excited, I always am before ANY game....but something happened to me during the Flagstaff games.  Can't really tell you what it was....'cause I am not really sure....but at some point....the entirety of the weekend made me feel~

Supported

Loved

Validated

Me


Just doing my best is really enough and no one who really cares about me, or really knows me will be disappointed  (except maybe Chuck) by my throwing...they will only be disappointed if I give up on myself...or berate myself.

I am also thrilled to be at the games on Saturday.  Why? Excited to watch the women on Saturday...these are the best of the best.

~ ELlTE WOMEN - Saturday and Sunday ~

ADRlANE WlLSON, lrmo, SC   KRlSTY SCOTT, Ellensburg, WA  BETH BURTON, Chico, CA

HEATHER MacDONALD, Torrance, CA   KATE BURTON, Silverdale, WA   ALEXANDRA NORMAN-ROSS, Calgary, AB

~ WOMEN'S CLASS A - Saturday ~

ANDREA MONTAGUE* Shelton, WA   LYMAN ASAY* Pocatello, lD   ANGELA OSTLE* Farmingham, MA BETHANY OWEN* San Jose, CA   MEGAN MELHAM, Edmonton AB

YEAH.

The women I get to throw with?  Just as Fucking badass....  

~ MASTER WOMEN - Sunday ~

LAURlE JlNKlNS* Tacoma, WA   ERlCA HAY, Ocala, FL   JULI PETERSON, Wauwatosa, Wl   KlM DENNlS, Kelowna, BC   REGlNA WECHTER, Canby, OR MlCHELE McDANlEL, Kirkland, WA

Now, normally at this point in the blog...I say I am gonna get my ass kicked.  I think I am done with that little phrase...I have my throwing to do, my PR's to chase, my heart & asthma to keep in check, my own ass to kick thank you very much.

Flag was great. There was a HUGE group of both really great throwers and lots of newcomers.

I think part of why I feel like I walked away changed was that camaraderie and support was the main focus with this group.

I had one PR...I finally cracked 70 feet with the Heavy hammer.... The 16 Foot WOB still eludes, but my final attempt was a good throw....

I am sitting down with BJ next week to talk training...I am starting to feel better and there are things that Chuck and I are gonna work on too....

Why? So I can win? Naw...I mean, don't get me wrong, winning is fun, but throwing well?  That's more fun.

yea, not what you are expecting...

I know I have started to post post games updates....but there is something way more important I wanted to share than my little experiences at the games.

I can't really post updates on facebook, 'cause Vivi won't let me...but last week Friday...Vivi started working with Shane of Miller Weightlifting.

This is Olympic style lifting not power lifting. 

Vivi has dug her heals in about doing ANYTHING physical since she quit doing Girls on the Run...and I sorta blame myself for that one...with all of my positive talk about running and all.  When she started Middle School, she said she was gonna join the track & field team...but well..that never happened.  So once her job was over...I asked her to at least try...

Shane works with a bunch of kids and I like how he interacts with them.

Now I can hear some of ya already...she's 13...she's small...weight lifting will damage her growth plates...

To that I say...Blah.

I watched her on the first day....really listen to Shane...the adjustments he gave her....and realized that she will understand how her body works and performs better than I ever will by working with him now.  I watched her yesterday fall doing a back squat...and she got right the hell back up and kept working.

Yea..shocker...I teared up over that.

Now I have no idea how long she will stay with it, but if she is anything like me, once she feels the power it gives her....well....

:)

Rage or some such thing

It has been a challenging week....

A huge part of this stems from sleep deprivation. I am not talking crazy sleep deprivation, but for me getting only about 5 hours of restless~interrupted sleep in uncomfortable positions is not making my mind or my body function on any sort of level the makes me feel good.  Last time I saw my doc, she warned me about this...said that the body will create funky reactions to long term lack of sleep.  I have new bed time rituals and teas and meditations that she asked me to work on.  There are medications she can prescribe, but neither of us wanna go there.  These things work.....see I had created some fear around going to bed....

Oh well....

Which leads me in an odd way, to the gym this week....I have lots of things stuck in my head....y'all know about weight for distance....well certain heights for sheaf and WOB are stuck too.....and my lifting.  My numbers have been stuck in my head a long time.  I know I know, I haven't really felt up to pushing myself in the gym....why? Oh yeah...fear ...again....she has really taken over lately.  Stopping me from all sorts of things I need to throw~lift~change.

Monday....

Back squats.

3x3 135, 185, 225

3x1. 275, 315 dropped this one..sad face...315 again...got it.  Then 335. Marz came over for this one. I dropped it...it hurt too...hit my back funny. Not only did I fail the lift, I failed at dumping the bar too.  You wanna know what Marz said after I dropped the bar?

"Why did you give up on that? You went down and I saw on your face, you decided you couldn't lift it before you even tried to." 

He saw that as I felt it.  He saw me give up on myself.  That was a hard one to hear.  Damn glad he said it....but still, hard to hear. 

I can feel myself giving up.....in all sorts of ways, and I absolutely HATE when I feel this way.  Food, sleep, working out, learning lines, throwing goals, auditions, and bigger things that are too scary to name....

So, I go outside to play with sheaf....I think about Paul....the release stuff he challenged me to work on....I look at the bag....throw it a couple of times....trying to feel something as I throw. Then at one point, I feel myself place an assault on to the bag (yeah this is all woo-woo and wacky).  Not sure how I felt about that...but, the fucking thing flew. Or at least it felt like it did....I don't have a bar, so I don't know.  I can't do that every time I throw.  

Ew

I also had that typical reaction...I shut down.....but then I grabbed someone else and made them throw the sheaf with me....I didn't wanna be alone at that moment.  The thing is though....there was no release at all...just shut down and bottled back in.

Tuesday.....

Foot work, hammers,  hang cleans.

3x3. 55

2x2  85

1x1. 105.  125.

I do these with a three second pause in the hang...checking my lazy back....felt good...except....I don't  go past 125...another lift that is stuck in my head....dammit.

Then I go outside to work my stone drills....the gym was packed!  

Working on the damn "feeling something" again....then....the same image; incident that showed up on Monday, shows up again. This time, (woo-woo warning) I try to let the throws send the fear and the anger out of my body.  I try....I suddenly get furious....I decide to keep throwing to see how it feels.  I stop and I can feel myself start to cry.  I really don't wanna fucking go there...it makes me even angrier that I turned on the water works....so I pick up the medicine ball and throw and throw and throw and throw....I don't take a rest between throws I just launch the ball over and over against the wall. I stopped and just tried to imagine this shit running out of my body.

I don't know what any of this is or that it makes any sense....I'm just playing with it. A friend who I have shared some of this weirdness with wisely reminded me that even if I am exploring this; to not lose who I am in this process~to not forget who I am.

After I'm done....I talk to Marz again....I confess to him that I feel like it is time to test myself again....I feel like I am not working hard enough....I feel fat, lazy, annoyed, in pain....and still afraid.  

I have two games coming up, two weekends in a row....I don't feel like I really deserve to go to one of them....because I'm feeling fat, lazy, annoyed, in pain, and afraid. 

Going anyway. 'Cause yea...I know...powder my ass, slap a diaper on me...waa waa waa....  :)

I wonder what weird things will show up today......and I wonder what will show up this weekend.  Found out today that the women's class is huge in Flagstaff. 16. Gonna be a long day....and I am going even though I said I wouldn't go back to these games after last year, but as y'all know about me....I am always giving people second and third and tenth chances...usually to my detriment....but I promised Michelle and Sarah....and who can say no to those two? And after all, these are just games, not like some of the other crap I have put up with....

Wheeee games.

When physical therapy isn't....

Paul said to me..." No good wine."  

"I don't understand."

He said, "I used to say this in French, no good wine comes from vines that haven't been stressed."

So I had PT yesterday, I expected to work on the neck...and to ask him to take a look at my ankles as they were sore after competition.  

Paul was more interested in this tachycardia stuff.....but in a different way.  I have been seeing Paul off and on for almost three years and in all that time I have never worked with him the way he worked with me yesterday.....he has all of the typical Chinese medicine type posters on the walls, but I have never thought much about it.  Well, yesterday he starts with acupressure....checking my pulse in all sorts of places on my body.....then zeroing in on my left side.  I know this stuff works for people...acupuncture and all the energy flow stuff, but frankly I know nothing about it.  

He stops and says to me....

"You started this journey from a really good place, you go at this from joy and you are happy moving the way you do, but something is missing.  You'll never get better and you will never feel better until you let yourself tap into this pent up rage you are holding on to.  You are moving in a way that should allow for it, but you are afraid so you stop it before it can release.  That's part of what is going on with your heart.....and why you can't sleep.  I don't want you to think that what you have done is wrong by any means....it's just you can heal with this sport from the trauma that sits in your body if you learn how to use it."

Transform the poison to make it useful so to speak.

Now first...I need to say...everyone has fucking trauma...we carry our own special sorts. In fact, the few people I have met who don't have some sort of trauma in their past have been cold and mean humans.

Still.....I am not really getting it.   I am scared of it.  I am this joyful person on the field you know? There are already expectations for how I am...how do I "tap into rage" without being a total dick?  As you can guess, cause I am who you know me to be, I get very upset and I fucking cry.  

Sigh.

Then I remember two things.....

The first? Deadlifts.

The only time I have been able to get super heavy shit off the floor, the last time being 380....I actually did what Paul was talking about..I dredged up a painful moment when someone I loved was super ugly  to me....I looked at that bar as if it were the person who stood in front of me and said "fuck you." I got it off the ground...and I also let go of the edge of pain that moment caused me.  

The second?  Just happened in Idaho during WOB.  I was at 19 feet....I missed the first two times....and at this point I was getting huge support from the women around the field....I was laughing as I took my second throw, trying to let it go...not think too much...let it go...blah blah. When this guy Bob that I had just met....did something that I did not know how to take.  I was placing the weight after and as I stood up he came up to me and hit me in the chest.  Not HARD~not mean...but it shocked the crap out of me and made me so fucking mad.  I picked up the weight and said fine, "I'll just throw the damn thing then."

I cleared 19 feet.  

I told Paul about it yesterday...he asked me if I understood what that guy did....I had a couple of thoughts...he said no...men are often better at spotting that need to tap into rage....mainly because boys are raised to either bully or be bullied.  He saw you had the technic, but were missing that anger that rage, so consciously or unconsciously he triggered you.....

And in my usual dopey fashion.....I teared up again.

For my son, for me, for the stuff that I KNOW I am angry about, and for the stuff I don't know I am angry about. 

He wants me to "play" with this.....I have a game in a week and another game the week after...I'm not sure I know what to do....but the last thing Paul said to me was...."your body is telling you it's time to move on, it's time to release this trauma.  You can't rewrite what's been done to you Mona, but if you listen to your body, you can rewrite your relationship to it....which really? Kinda rewrites the way you tell the stories to yourself, doesn't it?"

I had no idea when I started this fitness/weight loss journey 3 years ago that this could even be possible, in this sort of way.

Perhaps my body can make more sense of trauma by moving than  "talking through things" ever could.

recap Valkyrie....

I'd love to recap these games....but I have a problem remembering anything that happened this day.  I am telling you one thing...if I can get to these games again next year....I am flying....four days in a car seemed like a good idea.  Well it sorta was,  the drive was lovely in too many ways to describe.

The throwing  Day started off with a bang...which is probably why I can't remember much.  Laura and Angela pulled up shortly after I did and then there was an issue with a tent. 

I honestly don't know how it started, but there were hysterics about the tent's first time and how tight it was and all of the expectations for the tent's first time being raised and all sorts of other stuff that literally made me fall to the ground clutching my gut.

I love Laura...she is killer competitive, a killer thrower, yet she is super supportive of other throwers in every way imaginable.  I have only been to a couple of games with~well~unpleasant competitors.  This game was never in danger of becoming that....a great group of women :Michelle (whee), Laura (stop making me laugh) Angela (grace!), Gretchen (my fellow mid life crisis athlete!) and Grant was our judge so with this group you can imagine the jokes.

As for events? 

Stones felt consistent....WFD was an absolute cluster fuck....I think probably the worst I've thrown in a year.  Laura gave me some good advise about my stupid feet.....I'm working on it already.  Hammers were....ok.  I was disappointed in my numbers....not sure what was going on.  It was during hammers that our group went rogue and started to measure each throw.  In Idaho & Utah the do this flag thing...Me no likey.

You place a flag with the throwers name on it in the spot, but don't measure...well,  if they throw further you move the flag....wellllll....sometimes, if it is on a steeper angle you can't tell..so we had sticks and leaves and extra flags all over the field.  We all decided too that we were not throwing as far as we thought without knowing the numbers.  Oh well..I know you gotta be flexible...but we gave up on it in hammers.

Lunch...hot damn, the volunteers on these games were great and great fun too....

WOB then Caber then Sheaf to round out the day.

Wob was gonna be weird because we were throwing the 21 not the 28.  7 Pounds doesn't sound like much, but it changes timing...significantly.  Laura, Angela, and I were busy discussing when the hell to come in on the event.  I only have like 6 throws in me~max.  I usually come in at 12...I've missed it sometimes...but with the lighter weight...ugh...Laura wanted me to come in at 18...I think I slapped her.  We decided on 14.  I missed my first throw....shot waaaaay behind me.  Laura missed too...I got the next one, but Laura ended up with a no height on the event.  I was so freaking bummed for her....completely unfair....stupid "over the bar" part. 

Caber was WEIRD...no taper..we were all tired...my neck got pinched and left a terrific bruise and the Queen of Cabers?  the woman who I have learned so so much from did not turn the damn thing. 

The A class was being slow on Sheaf so we ended up playing with the larger caber just for fun. (that sounds dirty)

UGH...new bag...and my fork is too thick (that sounds dirty too!)  I couldn't get it off the bag(sigh), only cleared 18. LAME.  BUT we got to watch Angela set a state record for the sheaf.  Hot damn this woman can throw sheaf....so beautiful!

Laura was giving me shit about how I was going to beat her....I had a really really hard time hearing her...It made me feel...odd.  She was right, the WOB allowed me to pull ahead of her.  I really have known since I met her that I would never beat her.  But sport is sport and you never know what will happen. 

And Laura...no lie...was fucking happy for me. 

She is a true athlete..... 

After the games there was much rejoicing....this had been a work in progress for 5 years and they pulled it off.  I really hope that any female athletes out there who missed the games this year will go next year.  Let's double the numbers...we had 29 women on the field!  60 next year.... 

Amazing stuff....And for my masters ladies...Keep your nipples to the sky ladies, nipples to the sky.

lifts and throws

Okie dokie..those you you who read this silly blog know I was is Colorado Springs this weekend.   I went to the Pikes Peak Celtic Festival.  I guess there used to be a Pikes Peak Festival, but it went defunct 14 years ago so some dude~ young dude~Joseph Poch got it up and running again.

First and foremost I wanna say thanks to Mark Buchanan and all the Rocky Mountain folks for their hard work and their time.  They certainly made me feel welcome and I will tell ya....I may make it part of my summer to not miss a game in Colorado. It was a cute little festival and from the outside, for a first year they seemed to have a pretty good crowd. The throwing field was a little awesome and a little weird. The main field really maximized the crowd viewing area, but the main festival wouldn't let them have either WOB or Hammer on the main field...so when we did those events we were WAAAAAAY off in the distance, but the day was so nice, who cares.

One of the things they did was have a roving announcer....I really saw just how much this keeps the crown engaged....I think it is more important than I ever thought.  The guy announcing,  he was really good, let me say that first, BUT...he could never get my name right....I thought it was the funniest thing.  I know the last name trips people up sometimes, but at one point he didn't get my first name right...I laughed my ass off.  I really did think it was funnier than Hell, one of the other throwers though did not think it was funny.  Roger CrazyWolf finally went up to the guy to get him to say my name right....HA!  (He still struggled with Malec....but at least he got Mona right from then on!)  My favorite bit of his became the "guess what I learned from Mona today folks?  There is a New Mexico!"  I started yelling to the crowd, "no passport required!"  Anytime Jerry or I were on his radar he started it all over again. It was a hoot.

Women had 4 throwers and so the judge was asked "pause" between events.  We had such a great group of women. Cat (meow) Faline (her very first games, not her last) and Edie (a former Triathlete and she was my age!)

OK  so guess what event we started on?  Come on....

Yup WFD.

sigh.

I decide to throw in cleats because of the condition of the grass...best choice I made all day.  Kept me on my toes to throw....First throw single spin...36+feet.  yup a pr on the first throw....go to the double and hit about the same...then the third?  not so much, I ended with a "ooops" instead of a yell.  Threw one 60+ light.

Stones were decent...27+ on Braemer which might be a pr.....and 32+ on each open, not pr, but consistently good(for me).

Caber was funny..hard.  They had pretty light & short sticks....but the field was wet from a down pour so you never know...I watched a bunch of people fall that day.  We skipped a caber...didn't mean to, the markings were faded, so Mark brought out this crazy caber....17+feet....but light...BUT a crazy taper. Really narrow at the bottom and a sharp expansion at the top. So when I picked it...I nearly lost it over my shoulder into the crowd...I thought as I was dancing with the damn thing...this is light, but I can't control this....pulled it as hard as I could into my belly and took off to get rid of the damn thing and I ended up turning it...wheee a 12.  I looked at my shirt..and I had clearly cleaned the caber of a years worth of dust.  HA!  I was so dirty at these games. 

There were such great people in the crowd too...people just wanted to find out who you were and share who they were...it was great.

Sheaf was fun...it was raining.  The crowd had gathered under the music tent which was across from us, so the ladies had a captive crown for sheaf!  Later in the day, so did the A class...cause it rained again.  I only  hit 21...I am just not getting enough coil....enough pop straight up at the end.  sigh.

Pierre and I had lunch....then I drank a beer thinking I had another 45 min or so before WOB and hammer...ooops...I didn't.  Wob was...ugh  cleared 14, went up to 16 and I just don't get it.  I don't know why....in ABQ when I was in screaming pain I know I came close to 16'2"   I should clear 16 fine. nope nope nope.

Hammer.....they use a 9 pounder in Colorado.  Hmmm. You know what?  It threw off my timing.  I really should be able to fling that, but something just felt off. 

Post games?  The coolest thing happened.

Roger CrazyWolf goes out into the crowd and gets people interested in trying the caber...the AD has them all sign waivers...and they line up and give a little instruction and the crowd gets to join in.  It was super cool to see that. A great way to get people hooked I think! 

I am so glad I went to these games...

Yesterday?  Back to lifting....gonna get my ass kicked this weekend in Idaho by my friend Laura! wheee!

Back squats and stone and Hammer practice.  Tonight I plan on throwing my new weights at the neighbors.

3x5 Started light cause my hip hurt.  95  then 135  then 185
3X3  205, 235, 255

Back up to good numbers on those 3x3.

Oh! I got my official invite to the North American Championship games AND I got official word the Frankie and Johnny is a go...wow...I'm scared of both of these official announcements.
I did see the doc, but I am still processing the info...and the additional changes I need to make....