Oh, was that it?

We all have moments that we can look back on our lives and realize when a moment was a "last time" moment. Often it is small things.  There are big ones too, people will have a sobriety date; know exactly when they had their last drink for example. We will often remember the last time we spoke with a loved one after they die. 

There are also moments that it is clear that it is a "last time."  I remember my last show as an under grad.  Well, I don't even remember the show, but I remember when it was done, when the strike was complete, sitting on the empty stage in the basement of Armstrong Theater.  I took many deep breaths and said good bye to that space, to that time in my life. 

We have so many "last times," if we are lucky....some of them lead to new beautiful moments or people in our lives.

Then there are the moments where you wonder...if this is it.  If that is the end.

Had this sort of experience this weekend and I was initially very reticent to write about it. In lots of ways it is because I don't want anyone to think I am asking you to counter how this feels, to say things to me like...oh no, that won't be the last, you have to keep at it, you have the skills...or anything like that.  This is not a pity party where I am looking for reassurances...this is just what I feel to be true right now. Doesn't mean I will keep feeling this way (even tho I truly think I will.)

I was cast in a short film back in February and due to all sorts of things, it didn't film until this past weekend. There were some nice folks working on this....the AD snapped this of me just as we were about to shoot a last minute page and a half long monologue that had NOT been part of the original shooting schedule.  That's a giggle of fear.  HA.

 

 The director wanted to add it last minute.  Gave me the script and said I could have it in front of me. For anyone who knows me or knows how I work, you can imagine my level of panic.  I said no multiple times, but he basically would not let me say no.....um....unacceptable.... but I did it anyway, so no doubt he will do this to actors again. There is such pressure on sets to just do what you are told. And in someways I get it.  I am a tiny cog in the giant story.  But generally you know well ahead of time what is expected of you. 

Anyway...to my original point.

I think this was the last set I will ever work on.

The following photos are from the amazing Carrie McCarthy.  During the thick of Covid, I had her redo my head shots.  She did a fantastic job I think....the problem though....I have booked precisely ZERO film jigs since January of 2020.  I shot on February 27th  of 2020 and then the production was shut down....along with the whole structure of auditions.

And I have not been able to make the transition.  

Not one job....until this short film....a student film....a chaos set...talk about feeling like I am taking about 100 steps back from how things were going. 

Given the life I lead; I have never had illusions that this could be my career, but I had hoped I could always work a little.  Like most artists always hoping in the back of my head that I would get a role that I could really sink my teeth into. 

I know for lots of actors, the on line remote auditioning has been awesome.  I seem to "do better in the room," that added to the fact that I have gained 30 pounds and well, aged (cause that's what people do) I have been in a dry spell that no longer feels like a spell. I care about my art form...I care deeply about the work of it. AND....I look how I look and I won't starve myself down...and as for the age thing, I am lucky to be aging.  

All that blathering to say....again....this feels like this short student film may just have been the last time I am on a film set.  

I have another photo shoot planned with Carrie that I will follow through with, but I kinda know that just like this set of shots above, they will not be "used" either.

And, that has to be ok.

It is out of my hands after all.

 

 

Prescott & Aztec & Bread crumbs

OOOOOF

Well, the last part of my season was 4 games in six weeks.  

That is a bit much for me.

The two big games back to back went ok....then Prescott & Aztec were back to back...

4 outta 10...do not recommend.   I do have a habit of forgetting that yes I am indeed aging...and the "oh it'll be fine," shows up a bit too much.  I had decent form in Aztec...but there was nothing behind it.  My oooomph got left partially in Estes...and whatever I had left...remained in Prescott.

So, I took the week after Aztec off....like no gym...a little yoga...but...rest.

Still didn't feel great the week after that and this week...on Tuesday at the gym, I kept checking my heart rate thinking I was having a heart attack. 

October can sometimes be a rough month...all sorts of reasons.  Some years are worse than others and this year is bad...oh well.  I keep trying to get to the gym 4 days, but it isn't happening... something shows up or for the last few week I am far too tired. Oh well.  

I spent some time this week looking back at goals I had set with the group of ladies in Fefor and there are somethings I am keeping up with and somethings that have lost my attention.  My stationary bike being one of them...so this week; I am getting on the bike even on lifting days.  Even for 10 minutes.  I have a big-ish goal if we can get back to Fefor this year which will need a bit more cardiovascular fitness than I usually expect of myself.

A couple of weeks ago, I say this quote about bread crumbs and it seemed to scream at me. SO here it is:

 

Take some time today to reevaluate the “bread crumbs” showing up in your life and make some decisions about which ones to embrace and follow through with. It is a good day to take one step at a time towards your goals. We will need to follow the bread crumbs to acknowledge what is becoming attractive to us and be flexible enough to let go of an old dream or intention to allow for a change in direction.

Change is here whether you like it or not. The best thing you can do is make sure your own transition is going in the right direction, the direction of the truth in your heart about what matters and who you wish to be in the future. If you have not yet managed to let go of what needs to be complete, make a plan to do so and be committed to it even if the logistics will take some time. This will create the space for new ideas, inspiration and support to begin to enter your field. 

Ok.... well....I thought I had something to say about this, but I am still mulling this over. Instead of waiting to post until I know...I am just posting it here and letting it roll around a little more.

What is really calling me now?

What are the bread crumbs I am driven to follow?

Is that jealousy or....

 Grief?

 

Been having some issues lately with jealously...oh that green monster...

 

What about Mona?  Oh lots of crap. 

My health, my throwing, how I look, my artistic life, how live, how I work, retirement concerns, relationship expectations...

All this stuff I am taking in and looking at myself and thinking, "what did I do wrong," or "why don't I haves."  And honestly there really is a lot I've done wrong (who hasn't), but why right now? Why am I looking all around me thinking "WHY".

Oh....

It suddenly hit me that I am not jealous really, it's grief.  

Grief for the person I never became, grief for lots of choices I made, grief for the open trusting child I started out as.

Ultimately....I gotta let go of the illusion that things "could have been different."

They simply are as they are. 

 

I thought this might be a super long blog where I tried to explain myself...but...it's not...it is just as it needs to be too.

I have a lovely life~ smart, caring, challenging friends, lots of love...the gentle supportive kind, I could go on...but as this meme above says....just breathing in and taking it in~means the list is truly endless.  

 

 

More numbers....and another question.

 I wrote recently about what it means to feel "ready" for a game after my dear friend Grace asked me what that meant. This weekend, after the game in Estes Park, Grant asked me, "did you have a good game."

Well, thanks babe...I did....why though?

Oh shit another deep thought on a simple question??? WHY???

Seriously, what does it mean to have a good game?  Surface level asks surface question...did you throw well...did you win?  I have always had a complicated relationship with the "did you win= a good game." Those who know me a little better know that about me already....I often do not post the actual out come of a competition. I have won some games and felt like absolute shit afterwards, so....what made it a good game this weekend?

There might just be too many factors for me to figure it out anymore.  I just know that I started out the day pretty joyful in movement and was able to hold on to that.  Was the weather good, yes. Beautiful setting, yes. Throwers I love sharing the field with, yes. New people to throw with who were open and generous, yes. Did I throw well, yes. Did I throw far (for me), yes.

I know a bunch of this is really about my mental prep, lead up or day of.  So how do I work on fixin my brain to have a "good game?"  Eh...I can't.  I guess it'll always be a crap shoot.

I will say I am not quite a wrecked as I thought I might be after doing a double.  Not sure I wanna do it anytime again soon....oh dammit...never mind....I am doing it again at the end of the month.

Ooooopsie.

So, I promised numbers....The first number is the list from the post-it note from two weeks ago, second number is from Estes...

25........27' 9.25"  Oh, nice. 

31........31' 9.5"   Threw a little further in Pleasanton, but I am always happy when I am over 30'

 45.......46'10"     Pretty similar, but happy...keeping that 2 turn.

62.........62' 5.25"    Wheeee....On the struggle bus with light....

65.........67' 1.5"     Happy with this one for sure.

80.........78' 9.5"     Ahhhhh, more struggles with my light hammer.

18.........18'           Um this was a fantasy, but I actually got it. And I also only got this because I did not know how high it was, I thought we were at 16, maybe 17.  Popped it over, last one in, and was asked if I wanted to go up.  Where are we, I ask...oh, really, I just cleared 18...again, with the mental game stuff.  Tried 19, been a looooong time since I tried that.  Didn't get it, but I was close.

26' on sheaf.  Don't throw sheaf in Pleasanton, so I didn't have a number on my post-it.  Happy as hell with 26, I went for 28....I think I might get it soon. Honestly, I don't think I will; but It is crazy to think I might be able to get a PR after all these years and at my rapidly advancing age.  

Ok...on that note....I did say a while back that I thought I should make some goals...big goals.  I have but I haven't put them up on here.  

Here they are....now keep in mind that these are "dream goals." Alrighty, I am nervous about even putting these out there.  sigh.

28

35

50

70

72

90

19

29

There they are....next year's goals.  I know I gotta get through 2024 first....and yea, something could show up to derail the focus. But there they are.

Dream big my friends and see how it goes.  

Pleasanton and Estes....

 So, even though I was trying not to have throwing goals for this weekend...I could not help myself and I put 8 numbers on a little sticky note and shoved it in my purse.

I dragged that little asshole out this morning and here is what is showed me.

I do love me some post it notes...

25

31

45

62

65

80

18

That's what I wrote.

Those of you can guess what those numbers mean....well, this is how the day ended up.

26

32

46

59

64

73

15

I am still struggling with my hammers...but heavy wasn't far off from my post it note...light is a mess...so is light weight.  I was double spinnin' with that heavy though, so that's good.  Now, that WOB number is a little misleading.  The first day of the comp, our group got delayed a bit, so when I won the event at 15 feet, I opted not to move the bar up so as not to jam up the standard any long...and we had caber to throw to!  I have also noticed that I am really dealing with the recovery after and during games really well.  Last year I had added the spin bike to my routine in a more regular way and I think that is really having a positive affect in recovery and "making it through" a game.  Now I know that there is a lot of down time during this game, but it is also a high stress game too.

Headed to Estes this weekend, yikes.  I don't do back to back games any more...I'm too old.  Really set myself up for a rough Fall...oh well.  I did hit the gym today and will try to hit it again on Thursday, while making sure I get up on that bike. I think I will just keep this ratty little post it for the game in Estes too.

I did have a really hard time this weekend feeling my age....feeling older than my age.  Really feeling that I am on a serious slide into something...new. I am super grateful that a lot of games, even huge ones like Pleasanton, have added the upper masters classes so I an still come play.

Man oh man...the 40's masters classes had 4 people in on WOB at 20 feet. You read that right, 20 feet.  It was so cool.  SO inspiring. I loved hanging out on the horse track on Sunday and watching all the huge throws.

Once it was all wrapped up, I was walking down the track and I looked up. Took a deep breath in as I watched a hawk riding the thermals in and out of the palm trees.

I stopped for a moment and just felt the ephemeral nature of this moment.  I may never be back on that track again, for any number of reasons. 

That made me feel such gratitude. Gratitude for this moment, for this game, for the organizers, for the volunteers, for all the athletes, for the friends I have made, for this body that is still holding up. 

If I never get to look up at those palm trees again, if I never get to watch these powerhouse throwers again, if I never get to push myself on that field again; I have that moment.  

I hold this gratitude.